'Jersey Shore' recap: "Bacon, Egg, and Cheese... Your Girl Blew Me"

jersey-shore-season5.jpgPreviously: It was a bad week for people whose names started with "J." Deena dumped Joey. The Situation finally initiated Operation: Jump Jionni. Duggar children, you're on notice.

We resume where we left off last week. Sitch tells Jionni he wants to make this explosive revelation as quick and painless as possible. I wish he had extended that favor to us hapless viewers. TWO SEASONS! He tells Jionni in the vaguest, most cowardly way possible, not actually saying what happened (despite all his bravado in the safe comfort of the interview room). He finishes his non-bomb-dropping and is all, "Can you respect that?" Of course Jionni can't respect that. His girlfriend blew this insufferable douchebag. Perhaps simply befuddled and perhaps thinking it's a dream because it's still early in the morning (more likely noon, but this is guido time we're dealing with), Jionni actually shakes Sitch's hand. It couldn't have been lamer or more boring if they had actually tried to make it so. Truly, the season one finale of The Killing was more conclusive than this bunk.

So Sitchy retires back upstairs, doing a little shirt lift of victory on his way up. Jionni goes straight back to cuddle with Snooki and Crocodilly. He immediately brings it up to Snooki and claims to be laughing about the whole thing, which I'm not entirely sure is true. Jionni insists he doesn't believe Sitch, and Snooki outright announces that she refuses to deal with it. She returns to spooning Crocodilly, which really is the only way she could have dealt with the situation. If she were wildly upset about it, that would have given weight to Sitch's accusations. So, Snooki may be spinning out in her head, but if Jionni can't be bothered with it, she has no ground to get upset about it herself. All these months later, we have a fetal Snookionni to confirm to us that The Situation's diabolical plan didn't, in fact, work, so blah-di-blah-blah... moving on. (If only it were that simple.)

A bit later, Sitch is literally hiding out on the staircase, spying on Snooki and waiting for **** to get real. Since Snooki clearly doesn't give a what, Sitch tells Ronnie exactly how the nonfrontation went down, hoping he can get some third-party trash-talking started. Sammi is really the person he wants to get to because homegirl has never met a conflict she didn't throw herself into, but obviously he can't tell Sammi directly, so he's siphoning the information through Ronnie knowing that it will get back to her and start a **** storm. To wit, Sammi's radar kicks in, and she heads out to the porch to talk with them. She's shocked that Jionni didn't let his fists do the talking and says Ronnie wouldn't have responded so civilly. That's because Ronnie is a gorilla maniac and generally a horrible person. Just because it's the way your boyfriend would do it doesn't mean it's the right way, honey. In fact, I might argue that in nearly every case, your boyfriend's way of doing things has been the wrong way.

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