'Jersey Shore' recap: The Situation Gloom

jersey-shore-season5.jpgPreviously: You're just a Unit, you stupid Unit. Damn yo(U)nit! Unless you're a Vinny. In which case, bah-eeee!

We return as Pauly bids his heterosexual life partner Vinny goodbye. You can just hear his heart breaking for the lack of totally-not-gay spooning in his future. More pressing, though (no pun intended), is his unfortunate task of telling the roommates. They are all various riffs on sad, shocked and completely disastrous. Of course Jionni's first instinct when Snooki is, completely understandably, surprised is to ask, "Just tell me. Are you in love with him?" OMJionni, stop it! Luckily we don't have to deal with all that bull**** because Deena is #STUPiDFACEDD wasted and started weeping like she lost her only child to consumption or some other similarly old-timey disease. Seriously, the drama she is bringing is hilarious. She tells an unmoved JWOWW, "He's, like, my soul." Basically, like this. JWOWW actually has to yank (and I do mean yank) her skirt down over her underwears to make her presentable to go back out to the dance floor. On the upside, at least she's wearing underwears! And she also (kind of!) has her wits about her. Unlike many other times we've seen, she has the presence of mind to ask, "Do I look like a mess?" Well, for starters, YES. The answer is always "Yes." In this situation in particular because she has a streamer of toilet paper trailing from her stiletto heel. Ponder this: How can she dance off her bathing suit bottom and not a strand of toilet paper? Just sayin'.

No matter, because there's only an hour left to get down with their guido selves. Minutes later, Deena is clutching Sammi's teat, and The Situation is working his game (or whatever you would call it in his case). He brings his grenade home, and Pauly takes it as a personal mission to get it in with a cute girl for "my man Vinny." They get back to the Shore House as an Italian song plays: "Non capisco." Translation: "I don't understand." Five seasons later, that about sums it up.

While Deena comes to terms with seeing Vinny's empty bed for the first time and gets emotional all over again, Sitch is hitting on Pauly's trick by talking dirty to her. Literally. He asks if she knows what "Che cazzo?!" means. Of course, she knows, it means, "What the ****?!" He also says something involving "pecorina." Or at least that's what the trick things, but Sitch reiterates it again, and I begin to think his intended phonics mean "peckerina." The words are bleeped out, but I think he's talking about ummm... how to say(?)... men who want to be women but aren't there yet. As we know, Sitchy knows a thing or two about that. Despite all that Italian foreplay between Sitch and Pauly's trick, the two pairing resume their mating ritual and head to their separate rooms for the ripping of condoms and the smashing together of leather-skin. As the sun rises, Vinny arrives home and tries to act strong for his mom (who is practically licking him like kitten). Back on the Shore House roof deck, Deena is still crying.

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