'One Tree Hill': "I hate you!"

Chadmichaelmurray_onetreehill_s5_24 And lo, a great cry went up across the land as this episode of  One Tree Hill came to an end and the word was revealed. Blasphemy! Cried the followers of the Church of Leyton. Divine revelation! Countered the parishioners of the Brucas sect. And Mark Schwahn did look down upon the masses as he chortled with glee.

You know what heals a broken heart more than anything? Spoilers.

OK, I don't know how to start with anything but the big news: Lucas declared his hate for Peyton. You read that right, sports fans: Hate. See, Lucas finally heard from Lindsey, and his cockeyed optimism was crushed when Lindsey told him she was seeing someone else. Buh... wha... she's supposed to come back to me! I told her so! Apparently not.

So Lucas makes an ass out of himself at a basketball game, nearly assaulting a player from the other team and getting kicked out. (Who does he think he is, Bobby Knight?) He repairs to the Only Bar in Tree Hill to get plastered, and Peyton finds him. She drags him home, puts him to bed, sympathizes with his plight, and then gets this earful: "Peyton ... I hate you. I wish you never came back. You ruined my life."

I get the distinct impression that Mark Schwahn is chortling to himself and rubbing his hands together in Mr. Burnsian glee.

See, this flies in the face of what absolutely everyone has been telling Peyton and Lucas -- dude, you SOOOOOO love Peyton! It's obvious! You wrote about her in your book! Your mouth says no, but your prose says yes! Lucas finally got as sick of people telling him what he thought as I am, and snapped. I don't know if he truly hates Peyton, but he's making it pretty damn clear that they're not getting back together any time soon. So much for "meant to be," huh?

Of course, other stuff happened. Brooke took Angie in for her surgery, and therefore spent most of the episode crying photogenicly at the hospital. She's so worried about her borrowed child that she doesn't pick up on Lucas' pain, and she doesn't realize that her hot pediatric cardiologist is most likely hitting on her. Most likely that will break through in the next episode. I can't really blame her for being oblivious, as knowing a kid in your care just got her chest cracked open would tend to overshadow everything else.

Haley learns that she should listen to me when I yell at the TV, as Jamie finds the card he made for Dan daintily placed at the top of the trash can. Jamie does not approve, and he stalks off to deliver the card to Dan himself. Cue Haley feeling like the worst mom in the world again, as she tries to explain to Jamie that Dan's a bad guy and she's trying to protect him. None of this would have happened if she just made sure to bury the card under the coffee grounds like I advised. Silly fictional characters, not listening to my advice!

Mia returns to Tree Hill unannounced to fit in a couple of product placements, film a Rock the Vote  commercial and bolster Haley's flagging self esteem. Look, Haley, I admire you immensely -- you've got a great family, you're making a great album, and if I'm where you are in four years, I'll be thrilled. Aw, Mia's sweet.

Mia also pumps Peyton for information: "Am I allowed to ask what's going on between you and Lucas, of is that kind of like saying Voldemort?" Hee! She counsels Peyton to get Lucas drunk and then divine his true feelings. Peyton laughs it off, but you can tell she's thinking about it when she helps the completely wasted Lucas stagger home. That's why the "I hate you!" is even more of a gut-punch than it would be otherwise.

In other news, Mouth gets his shot at broadcasting fame when he covers the ravens game, but that also means he caught Lucas behaving badly on tape. He decides his friendship is more important than his career, and he destroys the tape. Back to the cutting room for you, young man!

Nathan is working on getting back in shape, and he's using Jamie as a conditioning tool. It's completely adorable to watch him running while towing Jamie on his scooter. When Nathan flags at a hill, Jamie offers him his cape. Seriously: Most adorable TV kid ever.

If only he didn't give Dan something to live for... Dan discovers he's second in line on the heart transplant list. His idiot doctor tells him who's ahead of him. That's... not good. When we see Dan at the end of the episode, he's looming over his heart-transplant rival, contemplating eeeeeevil. Yay!

Also, Deb is internet dating/flashing an anonymous man via webcams, and discovers that her swain is Skills. She's appalled, but as he's already seen her bodacious tatas, he's all for continuing the dalliance. Let the bodice-ripping commence! That's got to be a sign of the apocalypse right there.

Plus, we had water balloons, Jamie's basketball strategy succeeding, Quentin falling afoul of a coach who took the wrong message from Karate Kid ("Sweep the leg" wasn't supposed to be a good thing), Mia singing a song that needs to be retired from television from overuse, Lucas telling Brooke that "love doesn't need words," Dan confessing that Jamie is his best friend, Dr. Copeland extolling the virtues of Brooke, and Skills extolling the virtues of bacon. But let's face it -- you know you really just want to talk about the Leyton debacle. Have at it!

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