'Real Housewives of New Jersey' reunion finale recap: The stripper confesses!
"Joe Gorga was the smoking gun the whole time!" cackled Andy Cohen when Melissa's husband confirmed that he Magic Miked his way through college in an elephant G-string.
Bless Mr. Gorga and his self-admiring exhibitionism for bringing some levity to the whole stripper controversy.
Yet there was still one more matter to address before we could finally close the book on Stripper-gate, so Andy invited Kim DePaola to reveal the truth about the alleged setup at the Posche fashion show.
Here's what we learned, courtesy of Kim D. and the women's own admissions. (1) Melissa and Kathy were the only ones in the dark that something was afoot. (2) Teresa knew the "revengeful" Kim D. was planning to punk Melissa, but both she and Kim D. insist Teresa Joodeechay was unaware that slimy "gentleman's club" owner Angelo would reappear to confront his former "employee," Melissa.
In the end, it was Teresa who incriminated herself when she told a "contrived and calculating" Melissa, "You learned a lot in that strip club."
For once, Mrs. Joodeechay's signature screech wasn't always the loudest voice in the reunion room. Everyone -- including the Hhusbands -- joined in, and with the volume turned up to the Italian version of 11 (breaking the sound barrier), Jacqueline Laurita couldn't possibly fake a nap. In fact, aside from Tre, Jacqueline screamed the loudest, more than making up for skipping last season's reunion.
And good for her. With Joe Joodeechay tossing out false accusations like the pizza dough at the pizzeria he pretends to own, we wish Andy Cohen didn't shut her down so much. (Although maybe he was motivated by self-preservation: Teresa came very close to flipping him over again.) She still managed a few zingers, including -- thank you! -- a slam on the Joodeechay's revised pronunciation of their name.
"That's the Italian way, for your information," snapped Teresa. So were they using the Olive Garden way for the past 40 years?
After Teresa and Jacqueline swapped insults about their finances, Joe Joodeechay interjected, "You eat your money" -- presumably an insult about Jacqueline's weight. To which we say: (1) Look in the mirror, Fat Man, and then (2) look at your wife. Mrs. Joodeechay is no Melissa Gorga when it comes to fabulous figures, and that atrocious green dress, tranny makeup and bronzer (hope Cohen sends her his dry-cleaning bill for smearing it all over his sleeve) aren't helping. Don't get us wrong -- we believe women should own their curves -- but someone has to stand up to the Joodeechays' despicable insults about their castmates' weight.
Although we didn't like Andy hushing Jacqueline, props to him for pressing Juicy on his legal troubles and not letting up about their tabloid hypocrisy. Our schadenfreude selves really hope the lawyer his wife is bankrolling doesn't score him a get-out-of-jail-free card, because we'd love to see Mr. Ham Sandwich "go away."
While Tre won't let up about the code of silence she imposed on her "family" about Joe leaving their big house for the Big House when she
"Andy, am I talking Chinese?" shrieked Teresa, insisting for the umpteenth time that the magazine story is irrelevant because she asked her family not to talk about. It may not be Chinese, but the Joodeechays might as well be speaking in tongues. It's impossible to have a meaningful conversation/screaming match with either of them because they are so narcissistic, illogical, deluded and un-self-aware.
The show finally concluded with Caroline Manzo donning her radio personality persona and spouting some nonsense about how much everyone loves each other and will be one big happy family in the end. Uh-huh. And Joe Scratch was only calling a "friend" from Napa when he called his wife the c-word.
When Teresa croaked, "I lost my voice" (this couldn't have happened sooner?), Andy replied:
"I lost my hearing."
Didn't we all.