'Rock of Love': Bad to be good

Bretmichaels_rockoflove_240 It's been a long 12 weeks for Rock of Love fans. We've seen copious amounts of Lycra clothing, clear high heeled shoes and unnatural breasts. We've seen more pole dancing than the bouncers at Scores. We've seen levels of alcohol consumption that would give most of us blood poisoning. And we found out that Lacey beeped Bret's beep rather often before she was sent home for being completely insane. Which brought us to the final two.

Bret and the girls are jetting off to Cabo San Lucas. Jes tells us that she is putting on her game face and is ready to battle Heather for Bret's attentions. Heather has had her game face on since day one, but she promises her claws will be out even more.They arrive at the hotel and are met with a band, dancers and alcohol. Immediately Heather picks one of the dancers out and tells Bret she wants to beep her, and she runs into the middle of the dancers and starts shaking her moneymaker. And I mean that literally since, as we are continually reminded, she's a stripper. Bret camera talks that he's not paying attention to the dancers because he is paying attention to the girls he is with, but one of the girls he is with is paying attention to the dancers, so it is a weird moment for him. All the things that have happened on this show and THAT is the weird moment?

The girls go to their room and get ready for dinner with Bret by the pool. They sit across from each other and try to stare each down while Bret sits silently in the middle and appears to contemplate his lap. A few moments after the silence has become completely uncomfortable, Bret addresses Heather, noting that she talks all the time about hot women and what she would like to do to them before asking if that is the kind of relationship she wants. She denies that is the case, saying that she's not a hater, she's a congratulator. She then twists her answer to be about how Jes is too young for Bret. What? Jes counters that age is irrelevant, before bringing up that Heather is still a stripper at age 31. Bret stares at his plate and I stare at his wig. Just saying.

The girls find out that Heather will get the first date with Bret and the date consists of riding around a desert in dune buggies. Bret takes them soaring over hills, crashing through mounds and skidding over bumps with bursts of sand flying up. He suddenly stops and turns to look at Heather, telling her that he is feeling really sick because of his diabetes (actually, he says diabeatus, but you get the drift) and he really needs to eat something. Heather, being the caring, self sacrificing person that she is responds to Bret's illness by saying "I want to drive now!" True love.

She gets behind the wheel and makes sure to hit every rock, bump, hole and hill available as Bret hangs on, occasionally yelling that he really needs to eat something. Finally she takes him seriously and they drive up to a picnic set out on the beach.They eat, he starts to feel better and then makes out with the woman who was content to watch while he went into insulin shock. OK, she was content to drive around. Either way. They head back to the hotel and Heather returns to the room she shares with Jes to get ready for dinner with Bret. As she leaves, Jes mentions that Heather will never be more than a f***-buddy to Bret and then looks her over and says she may want to consider returning the stripper dress she has on. Heather comes unglued, slamming the door back open and telling Jes that she looked trashy when she wore a mini skirt to the 5-star restaurant the other night. Considering Heather could probably get a gynecological exam while standing up in the dress she is wearing, I don't think she should be commenting on the length of anyone's attire.

When Heather arrives at dinner, she immediately starts grilling Bret about who he feels closer to, her or Jes. He tells her that he immediately bonded with her on a party level and she tries to interject "on every level" before he tells her, "hear me out" which basically equates to "no." Ha! He talks about the stripper that broke his heart and how he is afraid of going through that again, before conceding that he actually leads a quiet life is afraid she would get bored. Weren't all the competitions in this show about finding out which girls could keep up with his crazy rock and roll lifestyle? For her part, she tries to tell him that she lives a boring life herself. In Las Vegas. As a stripper. Sure. She then dead pans "I'm in love with you, Bret" with all the emotion of someone requesting mashed potatoes instead of green beans as their side dish.

He avoids eye contacts and replies that he doesn't know how to respond. Running is screaming would be mine. Instead, he takes her up to his room, where we see the prerequisite rose petals and candles before we are shut out of the room. Thank goodness. The next morning Heather leaves Bret's room and goes to have breakfast with Jes. In the same dress she wore last night. With knotty hair and smeared make up. She immediately starts divulging details of the evening before telling Jes she hasn't even showered yet and asking if she can smell Bret on her. She is a lady of class and refinement!

A waiter delivers Jes a note from Bret and she asks Heather if she is jealous before leaving to get ready. Moments later, as she is leaving their room, Heather tells her that when she is kissing Bret, she should remember where his mouth has been all night and that when Jes kisses him, it will be like she's licking Heather. Which can only be described as gross. But Jes proves she has a cast iron stomach by greeting Bret with a big smooch before he leads he out to a yacht, saying "If I can't land this girl with a 75 foot yacht ... I got nothing." They hang out, look at seals, make out some more and Jes tells him he is still afraid of being rejected. He sagely tells her that she needs to jump before she can fall in love. Is that from a song?

Rockoflovegroup_240 As they leave the yacht, Bret tells us that Heather was open and honest with him while Jes is still hiding something. Meaning she hasn't slept with him yet. Later on, as Bret waits for Jes at dinner, he starts to feel ill again. When she takes a seat, he pulls out a needle and instructs her to pop it in his ass if he keels over. She cries and tells him that she can't talk about her own emotions because she is too worried about him. Bret camera talks that this made him realize she had let her guard down. So he takes her back to his room, where they get naked and jump in the jacuzzi. See what happens when you let your guard down?

The next morning, we don't see Jes take the walk of shame as we watched Heather. Bret tells us that he sent the girls back to the house while he hung back in Cabo to get his head together, but when we get footage of the girls again, it appears only Heather is at the house. She teases the hell out of her hair and drinks some vodka while telling us that if Bret doesn't pick her, she will not remain friends with him.  Meanwhile, we see some footage of Jes that is confusing. She's in a limo, crying with no make up on interspersed with cuts of her putting on make up in a room I don't recognize. A limo pulls up to the house and Jes gets out, completely made up and dressed and I don't know where that happened. But she looks good. Even more so next to Heather, who appears in a canary yellow dress from behind a curtain and mutters "I'm surprised you showed up." Jes tells her to f*** off. I wonder what we missed that kept both girls from staying in the house together.

Bret comes out and points out that John isn't with him because this is between him and the girls. He tells Heather she's been like a best friend and informs Jes she was unbelievable in Cabo. He then asks if they will consider both being his girlfriend. They look at each other, Heather narrows her eyes and Jes turns her gaze to study her shoes. Bret asks Heather if she will share him with Jes and she says she would love to. He asks the same of Jes and she tells him that she can't share someone she cares about. Bret takes a deep breath and says that he is looking for someone that fits into every part of his life and then calls Heather forward. He tells her she's been great, but she's not that girl. I cannot lie, I squealed in response to this. Heather shots him a look of death, turns on heel and walks away. He asks her not to leave like this and she just walks out the door, down the walk and into the limo. I wonder for a moment if this will be the first reality dating show where the loser has enough grace to not completely lose it at the very end. Then I remember this is Heather and the concept of grace is completely alien to her, so I simply need to be patient.

He calls Jes down and tells her that she was there for him in Cabo and in the end, that is all there is. They make out and she voice overs that he makes her feel giddy. Not feeling giddy is Heather, who has started to downward spiral in the limo. Through the barrage of beeps, I gather that she feels Bret is a liar, a phony, disrespectful, that he took advantage of her while her guard was down by taking the opportunity to sleep with her in Cabo and that he is America's a$$hole. The grand finale is when she yells "Great! Now I have a tattoo of this beeping loser's name on the back of my neck!" The regret that keeps on giving.

The best part of the evening?  At the very end, when they reveal clips from next weeks reunion show!

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