'Sharknado' live blog: Syfy's ultimate nature-disaster movie

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"Sharknado" may represent the pinnacle of the nature-disaster movie genre. There are sharks. There are tornados. Both seem intent to rain death and destruction down upon '90s-era stars like Ian Ziering and Tara Reid.

Where can the Syfy Original Movie franchise go after this?

That's not the concern of this blog. Instead, this bit of important writing will focus on the minutiae of "Sharknado," chronicling one person's experience as this seminal film plays out. Please, follow along. There may never be another event like this.


Here begins the live blog

Even before the opening credits role, we get to see a tornado -- more accurately, a waterspout -- suck up sharks "20 miles off the coast of Mexico."

Somewhere nearby, Captain Santiago negotiates with a very serious Asian man while drinking tea or coffee or something. They might be talking about fish. Santiago wants a million. He gets it by flashing a gun.

These are bad men. Presumably, the sharks will eat them soon.

In the first (but surely not the last) ironic utterance of the night, Captain Santiago tells his business colleague: "We should not be afraid of the sharks. They should be afraid of us!" Within 30 seconds a shark is on the deck, eating a hapless deckhand.

Santiago and Asian Business Man ignore this and have a gunfight instead.

This offends the "Sharknado" sharks who are all like, "Dude, we're trying to have a shark movie here!" Because these men are evil, the sharks make their point with fangs and stuff. Shortly after being shot, Asian man gets grabbed by the head and sucked under. Santiago barely has time to react before another one rips him to pieces in an impressively graphic fashion.

We can probably forget about these two now.

Meanwhile, on a sunny beach that will soon be covered in blood ...

Fin (Ziering) and his Australian surfer buddy talk waves and Mexican hurricanes (which sounds vaguely racist but isn't actually). Inside a bar, which is presumably on the beach, we learn that the cause of this sharknado weather is called Hurricane David.

Oh, and freaking John Heard is in this movie!!!

Well done, Syfy casting. Well done.

Anyway, Heard is playing a dirty old man named George. He doesn't like sharks. The waitress likes neither George nor sharks.

"Cut myself shaving ..." -- Bar waitress who totally has a shark-bite scar

And we're back on the ocean, where a pretty young thing calls Ian Ziering "grandpa" and then schools him with her surfboard. Then she gets eaten by a shark. As you do.

P.Y.T. is immediately followed by several people standing knee-deep in the surf. BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THE SHARKS NEED!

For some reason, these shark attacks also necessitate the evacuation of the beach. Please do not ask me to explain this. Equally inexplicable is the fact that a shark skips an Ian Ziering snack in favor of the Australian on a jet-ski.


Just keep drinking, boys

The Aussie lives. And drinks.

IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: Hot waitress has a crush or is maybe dating Fin. Fin is also her boss.

Irony again: "Just gotta stay out of the water for a couple days."

Oh no, that's not going to do it. Not when a hurricane is poised to hit the Santa Monica coast. Yes, specifically the Santa Monica coast. Nowhere else.


"You're exactly 6.6 miles from the ocean. And on a day like today, that's not enough!"

Fin calls Tara Reid's character, April. She lives in a big house and doesn't much like Fin. They seem to have been married and have a kid. For some reason, living inland doesn't make them safe enough. We'll neglect the fact that the beach is still crowded with people who are not dead.

Or maybe they're not safe at all. As Fin tries to evacuate the bar, waves crash across the pier, bringing sharks with them.

There is a shark in the bar. The waitress kills it with a pool cue. Then sharks all along the pier are killed by George's bar stool, a runaway Ferris wheel and an oxygen tank (Aussie boy is obviously a fan of "Jaws.")


Sadness

"Looks like we're all refugees now." -- Aussie guy

The beach is flooded. The bar is in ruins. There's a Ferris wheel stuck in the side of a building. Fin is still worried about his family. It's all very serious.

Everyone -- Fin, Aussie, Waitress and George -- piles into a car to brave the floodwaters and save Fin's ex-wife and kid.

"What the h***? There's sharks in the streets!" -- Waitress

The Waitress wants to shoot the sharks. George is from Beverly Hills. We get more proof that Los Angeles drivers can't handle the rain. Although I will grant that there aren't sharks most of the time.

"It's like Old Faithful!" -- Waitress who has never seen Old Faithful


"There's sharks out there! They don't need to go out there!"

You know it's a bad movie when the old drunk guy is the only one who thinks running round in shark-infested waters is a bad idea. But Fin wants to be a hero.

As far as I can tell, Fin does nothing. Meanwhile, George saves a puppy with his bar stool and gets eaten for his pains.


"They're going to swim everywhere!"

Fin and friends can't stay to help George, because they notice the sharks swimming into the storm drains. Are we going to see sharks coming out of toilets? Toilet sharks!!!

With George gone, suddenly driving seems to be easier. The beach-bum threesome has no trouble making it to the hillside home of April where there are indeed sharks popping out of sewer drains. Rocketing out of sewers might be more appropriate, actually.


Male posturing interrupted by sharks

Fin makes it home, where it turns out that his little daughter is actually a sullen teen. I mean, I knew Ian Ziering was old, but is he that old? No wonder the dead surfer girl called him grandpa!

April's boyfriend is at the house too, and he is very mean to Fin. He gets eaten by a shark. Is the moral of this story "Don't be mean to Fin or a shark will eat you"? Maybe Fin is like the Beast Master of sharks! That would be so cool!!!

Oh, and Fin has a son too. He's not home.

In order to escape, Fin "distracts" the shark while everyone else gets in the car. He does this very well and just in time too -- moments after everyone escapes, the hilltop home literally explodes water and sharks everywhere!

To add insult to injury, Fin finally decides to flirt with the Waitress, now that his wife is there.


Steve Sanders to the rescue!

This time, he might actually do something. There's a school bus full of kids just kind of sitting in the road as sharks swim around. Because the rest of the city is already shark bait or something, it falls to Fin to rappel off a bridge to save them.

Why does Fin have enough rope to save an entire busload of children?

We'll just ignore this. Just like the movie ignores the lengthy process of lifting about 20 kids onto a bridge by rope. The important point is that everyone makes it, even though Fin almost becomes heroic shark bait.


Sharknado!!!

The kids are saved. The skies are clearing. Is it all over?

Nope. It's just beginning. Because it's not just water we have to fear -- there are sharks in the air too! High winds take out the Hollywood sign and hurl sharks everywhere. The heroic people are safe though -- only the bus driver gets smushed.

"Are those sharks?" -- April, who ought to check the title of this movie for an answer


It's raining cats and sharks out there!

The rain isn't so bad now, but there's a shark on the roof. That's a problem. A bigger problem, however, is the fact that the car blows up.

Everyone has to go hang out in a liquor store instead. Fin's daughter and the Waitress bond while the group loots the store. A pepperjack-loving store owner decides this is the work of the government.

"Sharks. I never saw that coming." -- Pepperjack-loving shopkeeper

Liquor store looted, the group steals a Hummer, breaks through a police barrier and heads for Van Nuys. As someone who lives in Van Nuys, I can assure the world that no one has ever wanted to go to Van Nuys that much.

The Hummer has a "nitrous oxide button." So they drive really fast and lose the cops.


You can't see downtown LA from the Van Nuys airport

Even when there are shark-laden tornadoes. There's this big hill in the way. Yes, in a film like "Sharknado," an inconsequential failure in geography is where I'm going to complain about inaccuracy.

Fin's son doesn't seem to be at the airport. This was a lot of trouble for nothing but a little geographical failure.

Eventually, they find Matt and everyone else in a closet. Okay, Matt the son is roughly 30 years old. HOW OLD IS IAN ZIERING???

Not important. Right. What is important is that a sharknado hits right about now and sucks someone through a small hole in the roof. Everyone else is fine.


Here we make our stand

"We can't just stay here and wait for sharks to rain down on us!" -- Fin

There are two more tornadoes coming (because that's how weather works), so the group realizes that they have to fight off the sharks if they want to survive. Fortunately, there's an arms depot right next door.

Matt decides that it would be a good idea to drop bombs from a helicopter into the tornado. This is because, in the words of Matt, "We don't have any other option!"

Fin's daughter chooses this moment to have a "Mommy and Daddy never loved me!" meltdown. Fin just gets resentful about this because, after all, his favorite other kid is about to go drop bombs into a major storm.


The Waitress' tale

Remember that nasty scar on the Waitress' leg? When she was a kid, her grandfather took her out on a boat. It sank and the sharks ate everyone but her. So she doesn't like sharks now.

"Six people went into the water, and one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest. They took my grandfather! That's why I really hate sharks." -- Waitress


Important death and stuff

It's time to drop the tornado bombs now. Waitress and Matt head up in the helicopter to attack from above. Aussie makes plans to attack from below ...

"We're gonna need a bigger chopper." -- Line that deserves far more attention than it gets

Now, you may have been wondering throughout this whole movie why "Sharknado" even bothered with an Australian sidekick. Looks like we're about to find out: He has to drive into shark-filled tornado to save the world. At least we have someone to sacrifice himself for the rest!

That is, if he can get the shark off his leg in time. Which he can't. Oh well. The best intentions and all ...

(Side note: Did anyone else notice the look of eager excitement on Daughter's face as Aussie got eaten? Is she a sociopath or something?)


Goodbye, Jonni with an I!

A shark ate the news reporter. Awwww ... I liked her. Also dying about now are all of Matt's flight-training classmates.

There would be more deaths if Fin hadn't laced the swimming pool with gasoline and set it on fire. This small act doesn't really matter though. The real action is up above, where Matt and Waitress are bombing the heck out of some tornadoes.

This is going well for awhile, but then they run out of bombs. And then Waitress gets sucked out. And then a shark grabs the chopper. Said shark eventually eats Waitress. Matt crash-lands nearby.

And Psycho Daughter smiles through it all.


It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done ...

With the Aussie dead, it falls to Fin to complete his suicide mission of driving into the tornado with a homemade bomb. Is he sacrificing himself for family? Will Fin die now? Is this enough to get Daughter to stop with that creepy smile?

No!

Fin lives! The tornado dissipates! Daughter Claudia keeps up the evil grin! Sharks fall from the heavens like so much chum!

But oh no, a shark is about to fall on Claudia's laughing head! The little psycho seems doomed until Fin, armed with only a chainsaw and his inherent heroism, LEAPS INTO THE SHARK'S OPEN MOUTH!!!


I'm not dead yet ...

Is Fin finally dead?

As his family gathers around the giant shark in horror, a small sound is heard. It gets louder as a chainsaw emerges from the belly of the beast. It's Fin!

And Waitress? Wow, that was lucky, wasn't it?

Miraculously, Waitress -- who has been eaten by a shark and then fallen from at least several hundred feet in the air -- is totally fine.

"I really hate sharks." -- Waitress

Waitress and Matt share a tender moment, in which she reveals that her true name is Jenny. Now, when you think that Waitress was hitting on Fin only about five scenes earlier, it's more than a little creepy that she and Matt are hitting it off.

Whatever. April -- who has literally had zero to do throughout most of this film -- suddenly realizes that Fin is her hero. She gives him a passionate (albeit bloody) kiss as the sun sets over the Los Angeles skyline ... which you totally cannot see from Van Nuys!


Oh well. As the movie itself so cleverly put it, now that this is all over ...

Fin.

Photo/Video credit: Syfy
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