'The Bachelor' Finale: Jason picks Melissa... then Molly

Jasonmesnick_thebachelor_s13_240 Tune in here for live coverage of The Bachelor Finale tonight. I'll be recapping as the show happens, so hit refresh every couple minutes or so. Also, as a special treat, our very own Brill Bundy will be hosting a live chat underneath the recap, so feel free to join in and comment along as we find out if Jason chooses Melissa or Molly!

We start with a Jason-Ty reunion on the beach. Jason manages to say hello to his kid without clothes-lining him into the sand like a linebacker (coughStephaniecough). He lets Ty know that he's meeting his two possible new mommies. Not really, but he tells Ty he's meeting two new "friends" named Molly and Melissa. Is Jason still a clean-cut "nice guy?" Find out here at Zap2It (SPOILER alert).

Melissa won the jello-wrestling competition and gets to meet Ty first. (What? They might have decided it that way.) They are playing putt-putt and Ty is pretty freakin' adorable. Melissa tells Ty a knock-knock joke to win him over. He doesn't quite seem to get it, though. Maybe they don't sneeze in their family. Jason then leaves the two of them alone and Melissa seems to do well.

Jason comes back with a surprise for Ty and it's... a lamb? Really? That's kinda weird. Ty decides to name it "Sheep." Because he's creative like that. After the lamb portion of the evening, they head off to meet Jason's family. They first ask her about her impressions of Ty. She says, "He seems a little slow and he kind of looks like a Hobbit." Of course she doesn't, but how awesome would that have been? She gives the normal platitudes about being nervous and how great Ty is.

The brother talking-heads about not wanting to hold back with grilling Melissa because they held back with DeAnna and look how that turned out. They first hit on the L word (love, not lesbian) and then getting engaged to someone her parents haven't met. Yikes. She confides that Jason reacted to a picture of her parents by commenting, "Oh, they're smiling." Yeah, they probably aren't crazypants hermits. Just private. And that's okay. But did the not-meeting-parents-issue cause a crazy ending on the show? Find out here (SPOILER alert).

Ty joins the party and plays baseball with Melissa. Jason and his dad comment on how quickly Ty took to her and how great that is. Jason's dad kind of looks like Grandpa Munster out of makeup. But both he and Jason's mom seem to really like Melissa. Melissa leaves and Jason talking-heads that he's completely falling in love with her.

Molly gets her turn now. They play with Ty on the beach. Ty does not... warm to Molly. Maybe she should've brought a knock-knock joke. Seriously, though, Melissa is warm and smiley and has a knack with kids. Molly doesn't seem to know how to behave and Ty can sense that. She seems to win him over by telling him he can really throw the frisbee hard. My boyfriend and viewing partner comments, "Just like men of all age... beat them over the head with flattery. They come around."

Family time. The mom grills her about being a step-mother. She says her family is supportive of everything. Jason's sister keeps grinning at Molly like the freakin' Joker. Get that girl some greasepaint and Ledger's got some competition. The two brothers doubleteam Molly in the backyard about settling down and not being a party girl. Molly makes it sound like she was drunk all 4 years of college, but that for the past two years she's been settling down.  Hmmm.

Jason tells his family that he doesn't have any doubts about either woman, he just wants to pick the best path for himself and Ty. His mom then has one-on-one time with Molly, but it's nothing too harsh. The sister seems to prefer Molly. She likes Molly's "sparkle." The brothers' reactions to Molly in the double-team were not as positive.

Jason then goes to mom for advice about which girl to pick. His mom seems to indicate Melissa because she's not as focused on her career. So his mom wants a stay-at-home mom? Hmmm. So how long would Melissa get to keep her shoes and be let in other rooms besides the kitchen? (I kid, I kid.)

We now have a tearful phone call from Melissa to her mom. She confesses to telling Jason that she loves him and begs her mom to speak with him on the phone. They agree to do it, which is awesome. Seriously, I think it's totally fine that they didn't want to be part of the spectacle that is Reality TV. But when your daughter calls you crying, you talk to her boyfriend. So high-fives all around to Mama and Papa Melissa.

Melissa and Jason's date is a boat ride in raining, overcast, cold weather. Fun! They jump off the boat into freezing water, like a couple of ninnies. Melissa talking-heads that today they didn't "take their relationship to new heights, they took it to new depths." Then she laughs really hard at herself. It's hard to make fun because what has two thumbs and laughs harder than anyone else at her own jokes? THIS GIRL.

For the fancy portion of the date, he comes over to her bungalow and she tells him about her parents. He's excited, which is great. Good for Jason. They smooch a little and he takes off. I wonder when the phone call will take place?

The next day is Molly's date. She takes him back to her bungalow and rubs him down with oil while wearing a bikini. She then has him roll over, straddles him and they start smooching. She THEN suggests they shower and start dinner. MOLLY WINS!

We then cut to Molly pretending to stir production-crew-prepared vegetables and chicken. Good try, show. Over dinner, she tells him she wants to give him "all of her." Is she going to give him her flower? Nope. She gives him a storybook she made instead, where she calls him the "love of her life" and includes all these keepsakes from the show. Another production-crew-prepared prop? Perhaps.

Now Jason calls Melissa's parents. It appears to go really well, which is great. Unfortunately, a little black rain cloud named DeAnna is pulling up the driveway. Her ensemble is ill-fitting and unflattering. She looks enormous. Jason acts like he didn't know she was coming. Hey, it's our third production-crew-prepared prop in 10 minutes!

Jason spells it out for her that Molly = risk and Melissa = safe. DeAnna tells him she chose the wild card and that if she chose him, it would've worked out. Jason looks a little like he might vomit. DeAnna also advises him not to "follow his heart. Lead it. I followed my heart." Jason then looks confused. As do I. That was a crappy thing to say. And curtains on the DeAnna "dramatic return." Lame.

And now... the contemplative portion of the show. Molly's eyes blahblah passion blahblah rollercoaster blahblah. Melissa's sweetness blahblah good with kids blahblah affectionate blahblah. Melissa and Molly each get a turn for schmoopy platitudes. Wake me when it's over.

Jason picks out a ring and he at least has the good taste to pick the one that is clearly the prettiest. Hell, the first one looks like it came out of a gumball machine at the bowling alley. He voiceovers that he doesn't know HOW he's going to decide which girl it is. I know! Call Bret Michaels and have them compete in the Truck Stop Games.

The girls get all gussied up. Molly has on a gorgeous royal purple dress, Melissa has on a less-gorgeous peach goddess-y dress. Molly wins the Evening Wear competition.

Now, which one will they do first? Do they always do the reject first? Molly is the first to arrive. She looks beautiful, seriously. Jason gets choked up, talking about her eyes and getting locked in and how amazing she is and stunning and blahblahblah dumpedcakes. He seems genuinely upset and tells her he wishes he had good reasons to let her go. Other than that he's in love with somebody else. Ouch. That's a killer. Molly takes it in stride. She doesn't even seem to be crying. Well, her dad did say he'd stop loving her if she cried on TV. She tells Jason he made a big mistake and he walks her out. On the way out, she tells him that he's making a mistake and he's going to end up hurt again. I wonder how prescient that will turn out to be... hmmm.

When she's gone, Jason goes out to the balcony to have a good cry. Well, Molly's dad will be happy. Can't have a pansy-ass mama's boy like that for a son-in-law. Heh heh. Molly holds it together pretty well in the limo, but still appears to be crying. Well, that's it. No inheritance for you.

Melissa's turn. Standing there, she looks ready to cry and/or vomit. Jason says he was looking for someone exactly like her. She can now tell what's coming and he says he's in love with her and she squeals like a little girl at the fair and hugs him. He gets down on one knee and proposes. Melissa then whirls around to put her back to him and waves her hands and screams like a lunatic. Okay, that's weird. That's what you do with your girlfriends, not what you do before you say, "Yes." But she sort-of redeems herself by getting down on her knees and asking him to marry her.

He gives her the final rose and they jump in the pool with Ty. And they lived happily ever after! Or did they...

After the Final Rose
It's been six weeks since the proposal. Chris Harrison informs us that normally they have a live studio audience, but that tonight (out of respect for the parties involved) they are going to make it more private. It's not a live bear attack or something! Good lord. Stop being so dramatic, show.

Jason comes out and says that things are different since the show ended and that he and Melissa aren't right for each other anymore. He says the chemistry is different and the love and passion isn't there. He also says that Melissa "knows things feel completely different for him." Hmmm. That sounds an awful lot like she doesn't know she's about to get dumped on live TV. Classy. Also, he says he can't stop thinking about Molly and is going to ask her for a shot. On the heels of dumping your fiance on national television? Wow, dude.

Chris asks him how he thinks the break-up is going to go. "Awesome," I snort derisively. Melissa comes out. Is she hiding her left hand on purpose? Where's the ring? They both start crying as he breaks up with her. Please tell me this girl at least had an inkling about this? Melissa very fakely says that she thought things were perfect. She demands to know what happened that made him change his mind. This is... gross. I feel gross watching this. Jason tells her that he was falling for two people at the exact same time and that he still has feelings for Molly.

She kind of nails him when she says that he doesn't want to fight for her. He put a ring on her finger, told her he loved her and now doesn't want to fight to see if it'll work out. I mean, that's not wrong. Things weren't all Reality TV Fairy Land with Melissa once the show was over, so now he wants to try things out with the rejected girl. The impact was slightly lessened by her referring to herself in the third person. She calls him a bastard under her breath.

This reeks of faked drama to me. Hmph. Well, at least one thing is true... this IS the most dramatic Bachelor finale ever. Which is not a compliment.

We're back from break. Chris leaves them alone to say goodbye and I immediately start chanting, "Punch him in the face! Punch him in the face!" She asks him to leave her alone from now on and she walks off. I get a text from my friend Alyssa: "Molly better tell him to shove off." I completely agree. That'd be AWESOME. Melissa's limo ride interview is very classy and grown-up. Good for her. She didn't pull a Natalie. Mini-wave in celebration to you, a la Chandler Bing.

It's now time to spring something on another unsuspecting girl. Molly comes out to chat with Chris and we have to sit through a video recap of her time on the show first. After that unnecessary filler, Molly confesses to how hard it was to get over Jason. She also says she still gets weak in the knees watching the show. Really? Watching him smooch all those other women? Hmm.

Chris tap-dances around Jason changing his mind and what she would do. She says all she's wanted is for him to call her and say "I made a mistake." Wow, that's kind of gross. Have some self-respect, girlfriend. Chris tells us that after this next commercial, Jason will talk to Molly "for the first time" since the rejection. From what I've heard, that's not entirely accurate.

Jason appears and they hug. He confesses to being nervous.  Well, I'm always nervous when I make a fool out of a woman on TV and then have to tell another I love her. That must be so hard on him. Molly asks when he knew it was Melissa. He dodges the question by talking about how upset he was to let her go. Not what she asked, douche.

Chris saves a floundering Jason by directing him to get on with the confession. Jason tells Molly it's over with him and Melissa, and Molly's "confused and surprised" look seems fakey to me. I don't trust this show! He tells Molly that she is what he's looking for and asks her for a shot. She scoffs/laughs, wipes a tear away and then asks about Melissa. Jason has some more schmoopy things to say, including that he's still in love with Molly. Molly laughs and smiles. Boy, she absorbed that pretty quickly. It's almost like she knew it was coming.

By the way, what on God's green earth is going on with Molly's hair? That headband and B-52 hairdo is yucky. Anyway, she says her feelings haven't gone away and she says, "You know, I think we can see where things go." That's the most scripted line of the night! What the eff, show?!?

Molly loses any last shred of respect I have for her by laughing and saying that she'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy right now. Really? Because I think I'd want to tell Jason to go fornicate with himself. And then they SMOOCH!!! Gag me. If these two haven't seen each other after taping until just this moment, I'll eat my hat.

Comment of the Night: "America... is absolutely FLOORED right now." Um, I don't think you should deign to speak for me, Chris Harrison.

Tune in tomorrow for After the Final Rose II, where Jason dumps Molly and starts vigorously making out with Chris Harrison. If you just cannot wait for more reality TV love, check out Zap2It's guide to showmances versus real romances here.


SHARE IT ON: