'The Bachelor: London Calling': "I've Been Blonde Since I Was 12"

Amanda_r_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_ Last week, 'The Bachelor' made a huge mistake and sent sweet, adorable Noelle - and her dimples - packing. Now he's going to take Shayne to Barbados, and let the other two remaining spinsters tag along in the hopes that they will somehow win his heart. A hint for Chelsea and Amanda: Shayne got drunk and screamed at him on their first date. He clearly loves the crazy. Step it up!

Matt reveals that he is "smitten" but doesn't specify with whom, as the four travel to Barbados with the promise of "intimate" overnight dates. His first date is with Shayne, about whom he says that all of his reservations are gone, and they make out on the beach. They jet-ski and bounce on a floating trampoline, kissing beneath the sunset. After dark, they meet for dinner, where Matt wants to see the serious side of Shayne. He tells her that he is concerned becoming jealous of Shayne's costars, and she demonstrates a screen kiss on him. He tells her that he feels like she plays up the blonde act, and she tells him that she's always been blonde! Since she was 12 or 13! Oy. She takes his hand and asks him if she really sees a future with her, and she tells him that she's falling in love with him. He says that he's falling for her as well but...isn't there a big difference between falling for someone and falling in love with someone? Isn't that kind of the chicken way out? Later, he confessionals that he was "touched" that Shayne is falling in love with him. Ruh roh! Regardless, he offers her a key to the fantasy suite, which I am fairly certain is a euphemism for a conjugal visit.

Shayne_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_24And the next morning, he, what, rolls over, throws his shorts back on and heads out to meet Amanda? This is gross! Amanda confessionals that although she thought she had been in love before, she never knew love before Matt. They go zip-lining, conquering their shared fear of heights, before meeting for dinner on the beach. Amanda, like, has a major problem, like, with expressing emotion? Like? She makes Shayne sound like a wordsmith. Amanda likes him, like she's liked her boyfriends before, but she likes Matt more? Matt is happy that she's finally opening up, and she tells him that she's never been in love before, but I really don't feel any chemistry between them. Matt doesn't care, though! He'll fantasy suite with anyone! I hope they changed the sheets.

The next day, he and Chelsea go out on a catamaran, and he hopes that they can hold on to the romance that they were able to find at her home visit. However, Chelsea continues to be standoffish with him. Literally. Her body is pulling away from him. They lie next to each other and she tells him how "stupid" she finds handholding when he reaches for her hand. The date is genuinely awful. They snorkel among sea turtles! Oh my god! But the date is a disaster. At dinner, Chelsea_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_2Chelsea is making up for her lack of personality with an abundance of breasts. Good lord. Matt tells her that he feels like they're on 'The Bachelor' for best friends. Ouch. Chelsea tells him that she can't relax around him because of the fact that she's still competing with two other girls, which seems both totally valid, but also kind of stupid considering the show she's on. But of course, he fantasy suites the socks off of her. Chelsea changes into a really unfortunate, floor-length black lace nightgown. She looks like a whore in mourning. Matt finally feels like they've connected.

Matt only has two roses, and I guarantee one of them's going to Shayne. I hope the other goes to Amanda, but I don't think it will. And for the first time, I'm right! Matt sits Amanda down on a bench and tells her that he has meant everything he has said to her, but his "heart told him" that he was more connected to the other two. She calls him something bleeped, and I agree wholeheartedly. You're a bleep, Matt! Amanda sobs in the limo that she thought they were getting married. And now Matt is taking Shayne and Chelsea to London to meet his parents.

Next week: the reunion special! Featuring Stacey! Remember her?

Well, I know that many of you were rooting for Amanda, and I'm a little unhappy he chose Chelsea over her. But I also feel like it doesn't really matter who went home this week - Shayne's going home with that ring on her finger. Agree? Disagree? Does anyone else feel like they need to shower after that?

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