'The Bachelor' recap: "What's Wrong with You? Tell Me."

bachelor-top-3.jpgThe Bachelor is still ruining New York as we open this week, with Brad packing up to go to South Africa. Jesus Christ, South Africa. First Apartheid, now you let The Bachelor come over? Brad feels excited, anxious and nervous. "I thought I had things under control. Not a clue," he says, adding that he's freaking out, and he's scared to give himself to someone, and he has trust issues, and a whole lot of crybaby whining that sounds like it's all adding up to guaranteeing yet another season of The Bachelor that scars many women and viewers emotionally but produces no marriage. Of course, Brad doesn't want to be oh-fer-two: "I don't want to be that guy again. I'm terrified of ending up alone," he says, which is always a recipe for relationship success. And then we have to watch him board the plane and talk to stewardesses because that's all so exciting.We watch some -- well, "highlights" isn't the right word -- of his relationships with the three remaining women: Chantal, Ashley and Emily. He has some concerns over Chantal, mainly that she cries all the goddamn time, and he uses the word "rollercoaster" for the second time less than five minutes into the episode.

And then there's Ashley, with whom he can be himself, which is almost like "magic" for some reason. "We're falling hard for each other," he says, but they've had some "speed bumps" like the fact that when we listen to them talk they seem so brain-dead it's frankly amazing that the two of them are both able to breathe unassisted. He doesn't know where her heart is, and that scares him "a little bit."

Emily is "one in a million," he says, by which he means there are almost 7,000 Emilys worldwide. "I want to find a truly sweet woman to spend my life with, and Emily is that woman," he says, and then talks about how intimidated he is by the fact that a) her previous love died, and b) she's a mother. I think he should add c) that Brad seems like a big baby about a whole lot of things that any grown man Brad's age should have figured out by now. Anyway, he hopes coming to South Africa will give him the clarity that he needs.



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