'The Bachelor': Tenley not pregnant, psycho Michelle gone

michelle-vienna-bachelor.jpgDing dong, the psycho's gone but the immature fuggo is still there, one of the eliminees is quite surprising and Tenley is not pregnant on tonight's "Bachelor."

Tonight there are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Chris Harrison informs the women that each date has "a rose up for grabs." I wish that meant they had to wrestle for it. The first one-on-one date is for Butterface (Vienna). There are some girls who are quite surprised at that choice.

Vienna's Date
After a motorcycle ride, Jake surprises Vienna with a helicopter ride and then bungee jumping. They both admit to being scared of heights and while that's kinda weird for a pilot, I get what he says about feeling safe when you're inside a plane but being nervous when you're not encased in anything. I'm the same way. But if I could tandem jump with someone, I think I could do it.

It takes them awhile to actually jump but they finally do it and then Jake kisses her while they're dangling upside down from the bungee cord. Man, Butterface really lucked out because that is a fantastic bonding date.

After the bungee, they have wine and hot-tub time. Man, why does this girl rub me the wrong way so much? She and Jake kiss some more and I'll give her this much... they have good chemistry together but I'm still not a fan. Vienna gets her rose. Blech. 

Bunny Ranch
The girls laugh about when Jillian left "that guy" (it was Robby) by the side of the train tracks. That was pretty damn hilarious. I'm convinced he's still wandering around out there, mumbling about Jillian. The Group Date card comes and it's for Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle. That leaves Ella, Gia and Valishia up for the other one-on-one date.

The girls all talk about how surprised they'd be if Vienna comes back with a rose, which is interesting. When she does come home and tells them all about her date, the girls want to throw her into oncoming traffic. I may be paraphrasing/interpreting but you know it's true.

Group Date
The girls go to the Jon Lovitz comedy club and actually meet Jon Lovitz. Well, slap my ass and call me Judy! But their task is that they have to perform in the comedy show. Yikes. Seriously, that's not cool at all. I have experience doing stand-up and that would still scare the crap out of me It's not enough prep time!

Lovitz helps the girls with their material but not in specifics, just in generalizations. General advice doesn't write jokes, Lovitz! It even sends Ashleigh into tears because she's so nervous. Seriously. That is like the torture date. They are then told the house is packed with people and everybody freaks out more. What's next? They have to do their routine naked? The audience is being handed tomatoes? This is awful!

Lovitz warms up the audience and then the girls go. Ali is delightfully laughing at herself, Jessie tells a joke I can't hear, Tenley does her contortionist act, Elizabeth is dirty and actually really funny (it appears, it was really hard to hear her jokes) and has incredible poise and delivery, Kathryn then just scams Jake into going onstage and kidding her, while Michelle tries to light Kathryn on fire using just the power of her gaze.

When Michelle does her act, it's totally scary and desperate and awkward. I am cringing for her. Yikes. Ashleigh refuses to do it, so Corrie goes instead and she roasts the other girls, which is hilarious. She takes Vienna to task and the other girls love it, while Jake does not. At least he recognizes that it's not the other girls being snotty, it's that he hasn't SEEN that side of Vienna yet. Kudos to him for that awareness. Ashleigh finally goes and she tells blonde jokes that aren't bad. Her poise onstage is actually great, so I'm not sure why she was so nervous.

Afterwards, Tenley takes her one-on-one time where she tells Jake about her ex-husband and his infidelity and how he's the only man she's been with. Jake is totally cool about it and likes her all the more for it. They kiss and it's a good one. So the pregnancy confession was her hard-to-hear joke? Lame, show.   

On Ashleigh's one-on-one time she tells Jake about Vienna's behavior and he wonders what it is about her that he doesn't see. But he also says that he thinks the girls are being negative towards her and she's not even there to defend herself. Hmm. Ali gets her one-on-one time and gets into the Vienna stuff too.

Without Jake, the girls cheers Corrie about her anti-Vienna comedy. Michelle doesn't cheers and Ali asks her if she's in on "the pact," which is a weird way to phrase it. It's not a suicide cult, Ali. But Michelle trumps that weirdness by telling the girls her time is about her and Jake and then gives a talking-head about giving her mom another grandbaby. Sigh. Elizabeth really nails it when she says that Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist.

Michelle gets her alone time and says, "I really, really, really want a husband" and Jake responds, "I believe you." Rein in the desperation, Michelle. She then asks Jake if it would be awkward if she asked him if she could kiss him. So he kisses her and she like eats his face. He is clearly not into it and she goes, "You gotta give me something more than that." She then tells Jake that she can't stay because while they do have a connection (they do?) it hurts her to not be able to really kiss him.

Michelle is basically asking Jake to ASK her to stay. God, she's needy. This is gross. And Jake says it would be better if she left and she then says he can't believe he would do it and that it's stupid and so on and so forth. Take your passive-aggressive, psycho bulls**t home to your mom and get yourself some help. On her way out she says "certain people" thought she was "THE girl." I have a feeling these "certain people" are also telling Michelle to kill her neighbors and exist only in her head.

Jake breaks the news to the girls and they try to hide their smiles, which quickly turn to sad panda faces when Jake tells them he's not giving out a rose that night. Ouch.

Bunny Ranch
The last date is for Ella, which is cool. She seems sweet. I'm glad it's not Gia, that girl drives me bonkers. Later, Ella, Valishia and Gia confront Vienna about her manners and behavior. Vienna insists she doesn't care what anybody thinks and Gia says she's the only person left who stands up for Vienna, so what does Vienna do? Calls Gia fake and stalks off. She insists that the girls hate her because she's "real." Man, talk about a girl who does NOT look good without makeup.

Ella's Date
Jake takes Ella to Sea World (in a helipcopter) and surprises her with her son Ethan. Ella delightfully manages to hug her son without knocking him down -- I'm looking at you, Stephanie. They have an awesome time with Shamu and the seals and the dolphins. That does look like a ton of fun. OH MY GOD, THERE ARE PENGUINS! I about die from the cuteness.

They have a picnic and talk airplanes, Ethan's the sweetest. Ethan is shunted off to play with his little wooden airplane so Ella and Jake can talk about engagement and whatnot. Ella says she wants to be like Trista and Ryan. Ahh, one of the great sets of lovers. Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Trista and Ryan. It's kind of funny, Ethan's just over on the grass flinging his airplane around. Heh.

After Ethan leaves, Jake gives Ella a rose (while some flamingos quack in the background?) and they hug. It's very sweet. There is then a pretty steamy kiss. Woo woo.

Bunny Ranch
Vienna apologizes to the girls and Ali is pretty confrontational about how the girls don't really like her and Vienna starts crying and... ugh, spare me. I'm totally with the other girls. Vienna sucks. I am not Team Vienna, I'm Team Tenley and Team Corrie (and maybe Team Elizabeth and Team Ali, but Tenley and Corrie are my favorites).

Cocktail Party
Elizabeth gets her alone time and totally teases him with the kissing her thing. Jake rightly calls her the Queen of Mixed Signals. Seriously, she's a maneater playing it so coy. He wonders if it's spiritual and she says no, then he calls her out on teasing him and she denies it. He says he needs to be able to feel free to do it. Vienna then interrupts, which is so rude since she already has a rose.

Elizabeth runs back to the other girls to talk about it and Vienna takes her alone time. She cries about how mean the girls are being to her and that she's not a bad person, she's just being honest. Gross. This is gross. She is immature and fugly, what are you doing to me, Jake? Ali has to tell Vienna that it was inappropriate and hurtful -- Vienna doesn't really care.

Elizabeth goes back to Jake and wonders if he needs to kiss her in order to keep her around (after a talking head where she says that she is ALSO choosing Jake and he should remember that, which is totally true). Elizabeth says she wants to kiss him but she's withholding it because she wants to see if there's going to be something more. He understands and they part on good terms, I think.

Rose Ceremony
For once, I have no earthly idea who is going home. They've really been setting up Elizabeth for a fall, so maybe her? Kathryn, Jessie, and Valishia have all been quite off-camera, so one of them? *shrugs* 

Jake gives out roses to Vienna, Ella (already had them), Gia, Corrie, Tenley (yay!), Ali, Jessie, Kathryn and Ashleigh. Wow, I can't believe Elizabeth is going home. Valishia... we hardly knew ye. Also, why are you crying in your exit interview? From the looks of it, you met Jake the first night then just had a two-week-long slumber party at the Bunny Ranch.

Thoughts & Tidbits
  • The editing on this show is infuriating re: Tenley's "pregnant."
  • Valishia is billed as "homemaker," which is a totally valid job except... she's single (if she's on this show, presumably), so who does she make a home for? How does she get money? Does she just sit at home and do nothing all day long? That is very confusing.
  • Jake certainly has a type, no? Ella, Gia and Jessie are the only brunettes left and I don't really think any of them besides Ella has a fighting chance.
  • The outtakes are Jake's stand-up routine. He does a "You know you're the 'Bachelor'" jokes and... meh, but points for trying.

Next week: The gang takes off in an RV (to keep Glory from getting her hands on Dawn, hopefully).

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Photo credit: ABC

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