'The Bachelor': Welcome to The Rock

corrie-bachelor.jpgOn "The Bachelor," Corrie forgets to wear some flowers in her hair and has to leave her heart in San Francisco.

The girls arrive in the city by the bay... San Francisco! I hope Vienna gets dropped off on The Rock and never retrieved. Oh, I'm kidding!  I'm sure she can swim back. Surely her boobs will keep her afloat.

Tenley's Date
This is Tenley's first one-on-one date. Wow. It seems like she's had one but now that I think about it... yeah, she hasn't. Huh. They go to a tea shop... I think? My TV cut out, sorry. Did they ride a trolley? I hope so. Zing zing zing go Jake and Tenley's heartstrings.

Their dinner is on the roof of a tower and it's gorgeous. Jake then talking-heads that Tenley is the girl he pictures most as his wife. YAY! But Jake doesn't want to stick his neck out there if she's still hung up on her marriage, so he asks her about it at dinner. They talk about expectations and cheating and it's a totally grown-up conversation and they are so beautiful and I want them to get MAWWIED (/Princess Bride'd).

As they kiss passionately at the top of the tower, the strains of "On the Wings of Love" kick up. Love it. I wish they could get Jeffrey Osborne to perform. Is he still alive? [ Has to go check] Yes, he is. Make it happen, ABC!

OMG, I cannot abide the "Turn the Tub Around" commercials with Megan Mullally. Not only do I like the song "Turn the Beat Around" and hate what they've done to it, but it's just so ANNOYING! I used to love you, Karen Walker. Stop dancing around the grocery store!

Back at the Bunny Ranch, there's a knock on the door and Corrie tells Ali and Vienna that they're the two-on-one date and Ali about craps herself. Corrie then reveals that she's kidding, but Ali's reaction to it causes Vienna to bring up the rose ceremony and then a spat ensues. It's too bad they can't REALLY fight because my money is totally on Ali.

Ali explains to Vienna that if Jake likes Vienna and Vienna and Ali are SO different, maybe she (Ali) is not right for Jake. It's a "Bachelor" transitive property of equality and it makes sense. Ali then says that everybody makes mistakes, everybody has flaws and that she has a ton of flaws, so it's not about Vienna. Let's be honest... it's a little about Vienna, but Ali still makes a really good point. Vienna is kind of immature about it. Maybe she thinks better topless.

Two-on-One Date
Gia and Vienna are taken to Castello de Amarosa Vineyard in Napa. So it's a retread for Gia -- that's kinda lame. Vienna says she's her dad's princess and now she's Jake's queen. Don't they screen for insecure girls with daddy issues? This isn't a VH1 reality show.

That is a really amazing place, how cool. I really want to visit now. Anyway, Gia feels third-wheel-y because Vienna is hogging the date. Vienna then rats Ali out about how Ali can't believe how he'd like a girl like Vienna if he likes Ali. Vienna then holds back tears and I try not to vomit. She's so insecure. Just let Ali go about her business, Vienna! Why do you have to be a tattle-tale and be all needy? Yuck.

Jake then tells Vienna he's going to steal Gia off for a minute and Gia tells Vienna, "You can eat my salmon." Oh, the jokes. I'll just pretend that was Gia's way to telling Vienna, "Eat me, you needy skank."

Jake tells Gia he's falling for her as she chews her fingers. I really just do not see ANYTHING between these two. Is it just me? "Amazing moments?" When are those? Are they off-camera? I have nothing against Gia as a person, I just don't see the sparkage there.

Meanwhile, Vienna wanders off into the bowels of the wine cellar calling Jake's name. Yes, I'm sure she totally decided to do this on her own. [ eye roll] We go to commercial and I hope she gets lost in the tunnels. When we're back, Vienna acts like she's so scared. Uh, you're not actually going to get lost, dummy.

Vienna finds them and gets her alone time. She talking-heads about wanting to see her "boyfriend." UGH! Are you TWELVE?!? Seriously, I'm fairly certain she has a Lisa Frank trapper keeper with the initials VG + JP = <3 on it. Barf.

Vienna gets all teary-eyed talking about how seeing Jake with the other girls is like a knife to her heart. Oh, if wishing made it so! (Okay, that was a real joke.) Later, after they've tucked in for the night, Vienna decides to go visit Jake in bed. Jake says that Vienna was "sexy as hell" (FALSE) and that he had "dirty thoughts" (which for Jake probably means a bare boob). Oh, Jake. You can just buy Vienna's calendar!

Corrie's Date
They take off for this beautiful park for some row boat time. Corrie keeps waiting for her kiss (because she hasn't gotten one yet) but she won't go for it and Jake won't either and then he says, "I'm about ready for dinner." Everybody sing it with me: "Sha-la-la-la-la-la. My, oh, my. Look at the boy, too shy. He ain't gonna kiss the girl. Sha-la-la-la-la-la. Ain't that sad. Ain't it shame, too bad. You gonna miss the girl."

They go to a science center after hours, which is awesome. Totally romantic. They have dinner and Jake wonders where Corrie is right now. She says she wouldn't live with her man until they were married and that she's saving herself. He respects that and says it's not an issue.

Ali's Date
Ali gets to show Jake San Fran because it's where she's from. That would be awesome -- I'd love to show off my hometown, and it's not even very big. Anyway, Jake buys Ali some flowers and have some lunch and play a little soccer and have a picnic. It's nice.

Until... Vienna comes up. Nothing really interesting happens. Ali doesn't grow a pair and tell Jake anything of substance and Jake says that Vienna is different with him than she is with the girls. Weak. It's just like all the weak-ass dudes who wouldn't tell Jillian about Wes. Build-up but no finish. I have "Bachelor" blueballs.

Cocktail Party
Nothing interesting happens. Seriously. It's 15 minutes of total filler. Jake does tell Chris that Gia is the most insecure. She and Vienna are neck-and-neck in my mind.

Rose Ceremony
Well, it's gotta be too much to hope that Vienna or Gia go home, so my money's on Ali or Corrie. Jake gives roses to Tenley, Ali and Gia. Wow, I guess Corrie's gone. Vienna's been made too good of a villain for Jake to send her home now. The final rose goes to... Vienna. Shocker.

Corrie seems upset but not, like, bawling in the limo or anything. I think she'll recover. In the outtakes, Corrie and Tenley sing opera. I've said it before but -- women are boring! The guys' outtakes are SO MUCH better.

Next week: HOMETOWN VISITS! Let's hope there are no dove funerals. And no Rose Ceremony? Hmmm.

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Photo credit: ABC

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