'The Bachelor': You better Belize it

bachelor-belize-date.jpgWe join "Bachelor" Ben and the ladies in Belize. Ben drives a boat, wears a woman's tank top, there's an extra dressed as a native woman. It really sets the tone. Also, this is the week that decides hometown dates. And for once, I'm hoping Courtney gets a rose. Because I have to see what spawned that. And I'm making predictions at the top of the show - Kacie, Lindzi, Courtney and Emily get roses.

The village the ladies are staying in is ridiculous. I think I'd do this show for the trips alone. I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind, right?

Chris Harrison arrives and informs them that Ben thnks his wife is in the group and at the end, he hopes to get down on one knee and propose to "one of you." ... like, any one of them? He's not picky? Anyway, there are three solo dates and a group date, but only a rose on the group date.

Lindzi's Date

Helicopter, "special," "unique," blah blah. They eventually jump out of the helicopter into "the blue hole" and as my Twitter friend Meg says, "Wouldn't that be awesome if this episode of #TheBachelor turned into Open Water 3? One can only hope."

Lindzi gives her metaphor of jumping out of the helicopter to being in a relationship and "going for it" and that Ben is "worth the fall." Um, Ben isn't worth a fall out of bed.

That night, Ben leads Lindzi down a path lit with candles, to blankets and pillow where a meal is laid out for them and she ditzes, "Is this us?" No, it's not. This is just a random set up on a deserted pier. We're actually going to hunt and kill a wild boar for dinner, because the show is cheap this season.

Lindzi and Ben have some inane banter about every date getting better and better - "It's great," says Ben. "Absolutely," says Lindzi. *headsmack* And then "leap of faith" talk. Do you suppose every season production plots out the dates and they talk about how they have to have the Bachelor and his lady jump off something scary so they can talk about a leap of faith?

Now they put a note in a bottle, which - what? This is the stupidest thing ever. They write a fairy tale and I try not to throw up in my mouth. Also, Ben writes, "[Lindzi] was falling for Ben. Ben kindly obliged." Wait - "kindly obliged"? Oh, like you're doing her a favor? "I'm falling in love with you!" "I kindly oblige." WTF?

Then they pollute the ocean with it.

Is this the grossest date on this season so far? On the show ever? Maybe. My memory doesn't go back very far because I try to block so much of this show out.

Emily's Date

Courtney cries that she wants to kill herself because Emily got a solo date. Don't let us stop you, dude. I kid, I kid. Seriously, Courtney has to get a rose so we can meet her family.

Emily and Ben go for bike rides, buy coconuts from a street vendor and play pick-up basketball with some "natives." Because this season is too cheap to spring for vespas and real food. Speaking of cheap, they then go diving for their own lobster dinner. Huh. Later, Emily will be put to work crafting tchotchkes to sell to tourists so they can pay for the cab back to the villa.

Back at the villa, Courtney cries ... about something. It's unclear. You didn't get a date, suck it up. She says, "I really liked him," like it's over. No, Courtney! You have to take us on your hometown date! After the commercial, she gives the cameraman an ultimatum - "If I don't get a one-on-one this week, I will not be accepting a rose." To quote the wonderful Rupert Giles - "I'd like to test that theory."

Then Emily and Ben talk about hometowns and make out. It seems to have gone well for her.

While waiting for the date card back at the villa, Courtney is snotty about wanting the final solo date, then when she gets the card, she's kind of a jerk about that too. Kacie wants to squash her like a bug and calls her an effing b****. Yeah, Kacie. Join the club.

Courtney's Date

She talks about how the spark has fizzled because they haven't had a date since Sonoma, but she seems to have conveniently forgotten about skinny dipping. That was like, an overnight date.

They find some ruins and hopefully it turns into "The Ruins," but there's no way we're that lucky, right? Anyway, they sit down and she unloads her neediness all over him, talking about Emily saying nasty things about her and how she wasn't going to accept a rose if she hadn't gotten a solo date. It's so manipulative and whiny, ugh. If anybody other than Courtney had complained like this, he would have axed them on the spot like he did to Miss Pacific Palisades.

But because it's Courtney, Ben respects her more for telling him honestly. Why did you not respect the other girls, Ben? Is it because they didn't get naked with you? He then tells Courtney he wants a girl with edge, who is a little weird. He also calls her "very unique" and somewhere, Sam Seaborn snickers.

They climb the ruins and talk about taking steps both up the temple and in their relationship. Of course they do. Ben sees his life with this woman. Sees his life going down the tubes, amirite?

BTW - did you see Courtney get auto-tuned? Hilarious.

At dinner, they talk about meeting her family - she keeps stringing Ben along masterfully by saying she's not sure about him meeting her family, then he talks about his moment of clarity on top of the ruins. Man, this guy is so hosed.

Courtney then starts straight-up lying about the other women - saying she's been trying to be friends with them, complimenting them, and instead they are just into themselves and so vanilla and boring. Ben pointed asks if she has a lot of girlfriends and Courtney says she has a lot of guy friends, which is kind of a red flag.

She goes on to say she's well-rounded and can make everybody happy because she's a model. A model?! Yeah, that's the job known for making everybody ELSE happy and being super easy-going. Her defensiveness has Ben's radar pinging.

Group Date

Ben wakes the women up at some ungodly hour of the morning. There's a pretty adorable shot of Jamie and Rachel getting ready in the bathroom, trying to hurriedly shave. My personal record of getting ready for a night hanging out with boys is 11 minutes and that included a shower. I'm rather proud of that.

So, we haven't seen much of Jamie so far and I'm just now noticing - she has a fantastic rack. I mean, dayum girl. Get it.

Ben takes them diving with sharks, which - I'd like to act like I'd be pumped for that, but in all honesty, I'd be super scared. I don't like sharks or the ocean. Well, I actually love sharks, I find them fascinating. But I don't want to swim with any.

Ben the Shark Hunter gives them some tips about fending off an aggressive shark. I hope he has to put his advice to the test, just so we can see him freak out like a crazy person. Rachel is the one who is the most scared, so she naturally completely monopolizes Ben's time. You stop that, Ben! Go pay attention to Kacie!

Or don't. She's too good for you. Kacie should have a spin-off with Ali Fedotowsky and Tenley Molzahn where they go have adventures together. I'd watch that.

Later, they hit dry land and each girl has some non-noteworthy solo time. Ben ends up giving Kacie the rose. Yay for Kacie.

Then the three women join forces to tell him to be careful of Courtney, but we don't get to see nearly enough of this conversation. I wanted them to lay it all out for him. But at least they spoke up at all, I suppose.

Cocktail Party

As the girls talk about how they've become friends and 1/3 of them are leaving, Courtney is a snot. Surprising. She also says Ben's not the only guy in the world and that they al want to go home in some way. Emily is scandalized (like pearl-clutching scandalized) that Courtney would deign to say that Ben is not the only guy in the world.

I'm with Courtney on this one, Emily's being insane. But also, if Ben heard her say that, she might be sent packing. Because he pretty much expects the women act like the sun rises and sets with him and him only.

But then we skip the party and go straight to the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

Before the roses are handed out, Ben asks to speak to Courtney alone. He asks her if she's into the whole thing, while Lindzi and Emily get the skinny about the other three girls talking to him on the group date. Courtney insists she's not here to make friends and that she can make Ben really happy. Ugh. He's gonna keep her. Vomit. But also - hometown!

The roses go to Kacie (already had), Nicki (yay! and also a surprise), Lindzi and ... Courtney duh. Poor Emily and Rachel - they look are pretty devastated.

Next week: Cowboy stuff, a horse carriage thingy, Kacie's dad would say no to Ben!, and Courtney's kind of intense dad. Of course she has an intense dad. She's probably lucky she's stayed off the pole, with all the dysfunction she has going on.

Photo/Video credit: ABC