'The Bachelorette': Ben and Michael face off on the two-on-one date

desiree-zak-bachelorette.jpg"Bachelorette" Desiree and her band of muscled-up meatheads head off to Munich -- kann man sagen duschen?

Munich

The guys get to walk around a bit and they're right -- it's just gorgeous. I would love to go back to Germany to actually sight-see, my one time there was far too brief.

They encounter Chris Harrison, who drops the bombshell that it's the dreaded two-on-one date. Dun dun dunnnnn. But Kasey doesn't let that get him down -- #HappilyinGermanykissyouIwill

Chris' Date

So, goofy Chris gets the only solo date this week. They start things off with some sight-seeing and Desiree looks adorable in her coat, scarf and boots.

Bachelor Herrenhaus
 
Bryden is still suffering from that pesky first-date curse -- he's really having doubts now that he barely sees his new lady-love and his feelings have grown stagnant. Yeah, that'll happen when you're hot 'n heavy right out of the gate and then you have to keep going on group dates.

But then he just announces he's going home and decides he must go tell her right now. Um, that is super rude. You're going to interrupt some other guys first solo date and pull all the attention onto yourself and away from him because you're being a whiny baby about not seeing Desiree enough on a show where you sign up to share her with 25 other guys?

Sorry, Bryden. You just lost me. I liked you fine, but no longer. You are being both selfish and immature right now. You either leave without saying goodbye, or you wait your frickin' turn.

So, as Desiree and Chris sample some of the local meats (and lederhosen!) -- and Chris famously says he doesn't think anything can go wrong -- Bryden walks up, saying in a voiceover, "I hope this doesn't ruin this guy's date." Really? REALLY?!

When Bryden walks up, Chris very politely says that sure, Bryden can talk to Desiree -- when Chris could have legitimately said, "Um, no, wait until my date is over" and he would not have looked at all like a jerk.

Anyway, so Bryden says his goodbyes, telling Dez that he's not 100 percent on her. The plinky-plunky strains of "I can't share you" play as the other guys discuss his departure and Dez expresses the feeling that she wishes he would have said something before now. Yes, like, before we dragged your butt to Germany.

Now Dez is crying and Chris doesn't want her to be upset, but he should actually see this as a positive now. He gets to be the knight in shining armor who dries her tears and doesn't show any doubts about her.

He also makes it OK for her to talk about it, which is a good play. Don't ignore her hurt feelings because you're mad at Bryden. Chris plays this perfectly -- well done, you.

That night, they dine in some super fancy castle and Desiree looks absolutely smashing in a purple dress -- she is a stunner, I'd take her over Emily Maynard any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Chris shares with her that he's "relationship guy." He's ready for it all -- marriage, kids, settling down, etc. And he reads her a poem that he wrote on the way to Germany. Cheesy, yes, but, man -- Chris is just full of good plays. He seems super sincere, too.

Naturally, he gets some smooches and a rose.

Group Date

Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zakkkk, Brooks, Drew and Mikey, which leaves Michael and Ben on the two-on-one because of course. Michael thinks he can "convict" Ben of being a fraud with his "evidence," but I'm not so sure. Methinks Michael's time here is limited.

But first, it's group date time. Dez takes the guys to the highest peak in Germany for some snowy fun -- definitely one of those "other reasons" you go on a show like this, as James said.

At the top of the mountain, Mel Brooks is there yodeling. So each guy takes a turn, it's ... predictably awful. Dez is "impressed" the guys are willing to try it, like they aren't being held at gunpoint by a production assistant and made to make nice with the yodeling old man.

Anyway, after the gondola ride up, they are sledding down the mountain, which is outstanding. That would be the best -- all the fun of skiing without strapping slick toothpicks to your feet. Plus, Drew plows right into Dez and then says she "ate it." Well, not exactly, dude -- you kind of ran her over.

After sledding, they get to hang out in an ice mansion thing, which is fantastic. This show does find the coolest stuff sometimes. Then Brooks tries to talk to Dez about something and she just grabs him for some makin' out. Whoa, Dez. Rowr.

Mikey uses his alone time to frighten Dez by saying they'll make their family of five out of snow, which she uses as an opening to wonder if he would ever leave Chicago because that's where his family is.

Zakkkk hilariously watches them for a minute, then yodels that he wants Desiree's attention. Mikey calls him a "singing jacka**," which is not untrue, but it's also pretty funny, plus -- anybody with eyes can see Mikey is not long for this show.

When Zakkkk gets his alone time, he confesses he was going to become a priest, but then had a soul-searching moment in Germany on a mountain and realized he was not supposed to be a priest. He leads into saying that she lights something up in him, or something.

Meanwhile, James is getting all whiny-whiny about having had a one-on-one and now he can't go back to a group date. He'd rather have no date if he's not on a solo date, and his whole attitude is rubbing the guys the wrong way.

James is now the new "one way around us, another way around Desiree" guy. For me, just as a viewer, that label fits much more for James than Ben. They're probably both cads, but this just gibes more. James seems like a player and Ben, while not seeming like Dez's perfect match, does not seem like a player.

But Brooks gets the rose! Good for him. As James and his kicky gray scarf lament that it was not him receiving the rose.

Two-on-One Date

It's predictably awkward around the Bachelor Herrenhaus, especially as Michael says his blood is ready to boil and compares this day to "Armageddon," though I assume he means the
day of reckoning and not the bad Bruckheimer movie.

Michael thinks he can "impeach" Ben for talking about how the show is great exposure if you own your own business, which ... hmm. That really is not the worst thing in the world to express, especially if you are mentioning it in passing. Doesn't it seem like if he were talking about how he was there purposely to get exposure for his business, that would have made it on camera? Are the guys completely blowing this out of proportion?

And as for not talking about hsi son to the other guys, maybe that's just Ben being polite. My husband and I are fully aware that nobody finds our baby as interesting as we do (except his grandparents) and so we don't regale our friends with baby talk left, right and center because they don't care and we don't want to make them pretend like they do. Or, maybe Ben can tell you all don't like him and therefore doesn't want to open up about his son.

Who knows? Maybe Ben really is an a-hole. But the "evidence" is so far not there and even if it is there and we just haven't seen it, it's not exactly like he has a wife and three kids stashed back in Oklahoma or wherever.

When they meet up with Dez, it is the world's most awkward tennis match. I'm not sure we've ever seen two two-on-one participants be so clamoring for the date's attention. Yikes.

But then Dez asks them if they want to do the polar bear plunge and -- is she being serious? There aren't paramedic on hand! How cold is it?!  Oh wait, shes' fooling them. They're riding in a wood-fired hot tub with an outboard motor on it, which is. Wow. That's either the coolest or most ridiculous thing ever. I'm leaning towards ridiculous.

Also, they need to not call it a "hot tug," because that sounds like something you pay for in the sketchy part of town.

As they ride in the "hot tug," Michael uses Ben's son talk to compare Ben's situation to his dad running off when he was little. It's ... wow. That's super-duper expletive-y. What a tool. And you can tell Dez is totally turned off. Don't be stupid, Michael. How did you think she would view that?

At dinner, Michael just dives right in to asking Ben why he's not well-liked in the house and then Michael just keeps attacking him for not making friends. He won't really let Ben get a word in edgewise and Michael is coming across way worse than Ben right here.

This is not a courtroom, dude. Read a room.

THEN Ben talks about going to church on Sunday with his family and Michael attacks Ben for not going to an Easter service in Munich that all the other guys went to. OH MY GOD. And Michael has this total cat-that-got-the-canary look on his face. Does he not realize how this is making him look?

Now, for me, it'd be cool to go to a German church service just to do it in Germany. But for someone who is pretty religious, if they are Protestant, they really might not want to go to a Catholic service, just like a Catholic might not want to go to a Baptist service, or whatever. And you can celebrate Easter in your own way and -- ughhhhhh.

Maybe Ben is fronting as a religious person, but it is so ugly to attack him for not attending an Easter service and not (to Michael's knowledge) calling his son on Easter. You aren't Ben. You don't know what he is or isn't comfortable with. Don't act like since the Mormon went to a Catholic church that Ben should have toed the line or something.

Michael is an idiot and he's the worst kind of idiot because he thinks he's so much smarter than he actually is. Where did he go to law school, Phoenix Online?

Luckily, Desiree is not buying Michael's "evidence" and calls him out on not behaving that way, though she should have laid into him more. I would have. He is behaving so childishly.

"I'm not a jerk, I'm just standing up for what's right." Um, you are a jerk and you aren't standing up for anything. If I was Desiree, I would immediately tell Michael, "Well, you aren't getting the rose, so kick rocks, tool."

Instead, Michael gets some one-on-one time and goes into damage control mode, but you can kind of tell it's too little, too late. There is zero chemistry there.

But then! Michael gets the rose. Wow. I am very surprised at that. Michael is a jerk and while Ben may not be the guy for Desiree, I'm shocked she kept him around after those shenanigans.

As Ben leaves, he says that the show is missing out on the next Bachelor and he wonders how long he has to wait to be seen out with someone, but I get the sense he's being funny. Maybe not. Maybe I have my Ben blinders on.

What do you guys think?

Bachelor Herrenhaus

The guys have a pow-wow about James, where Drew and Kasey say they heard James say that after this show, he and Mikey are going to "run Chicago" and meat so many chicks (no, that's not a typo).

See, now that -- that is a lot more damning than anything Ben has supposedly done. Nobody has anything concrete against Ben, they just don't like him and say he talks about his business a lot. What James was saying makes it clear that he doesn't care that much about Dez, he just wants to get famous and then use that to get chicks.

Later, the guys are kind of ugly in their celebration about Ben going home. Just be adults, guys. There's no need to cheer.

I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison

Chris is rather adorable when he teases her about kissing all the guys -- it was very friendly teasing without slut-shaming, good job, Harrison. Desiree also says the guys who are left are trustworthy. Dun dun dunnnnnn.

Cocktail Party

Cue the James Situation. Just as an aside, I love how Kasey is wearing a vest under his suit (#sharpdressedman), while Mikey's shirt looks like a Smuckers grape jam jar lid.

But twist! Desiree doesn't want to have a cocktail party tonight. Ruh roh. Drew is just sick over not being able to tell Desiree what James said about after the show.

Rose Ceremony

Chris, Brooks and Michael already have roses. The remaining five go to Zakkkk, Kasey, Juan Pablo, Drew and James. No big surprise there, she and Mikey have nothing going on.

Drew then calls James a cancer that can cast spells, or something. It's awesomely bad. He's like a wizard cancer, y'all. He vows that the truth will come out.

Next week: Barcelona! And Kasey confronts James, who then works up some tears, and the fireworks fly. Yay!

Photo/Video credit: ABC
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