'The Bachelorette': Ryan Bowers will never be The Bachelor

ryan-bowers-bachelorette.jpgChris Harrison shows up at the top of the hour on "The Bachelorette," sporting some kicky purple cuffs, to inform the guys that there are three dates, including the dreaded two-on-one, and that they are headed to Bermuda! Wooooo!

Emily is already there, having a blast with Ricki. It's super cool she gets to travel along, that's a great experience for her. As long as she doesn't know her mom's off smooching 12 different guys every night. Heh.

The guys apparently rode there in a scooter gang, which is one of the funniest visuals the show has ever done. Alejandro calls the suite breathtaking and that might be the first words we've heard him say on camera since he introduced himself to Emily. Is he going to be a factor this episode?

Doug's Date

Before the date, Doug is kind of freaking out a bit and dropping f-bombs left and right, as the guys push his buttons. Wow, he's a little intense. And Emily gets there and totally picks up on the tension in the room.

Anyway, on the date, they walk around and shop a little. Emily talks about their connection, but to me, they have always seemed more like they'd be buddies who set up playdates for their kids, not romantic partners.

He does score major points when he talks about wanting to show his son that one person can change the world and so he started a charity. No fooling, that's great. A lot of people talk about doing things, but it's cool he actually did it.

At dinner, it rains and the plinky-plunky strains of a Candlelight Piano album infomercial play while Emily wonders if Doug is too perfect, which feels to us like the date when the guy who was obsessed with green water heaters got sent home.

Emily asks about past girlfriends' complaints and he first says that he spent too much time with Austin, which - really? That girl's a winner. Then he says something about not washing a car enough and Emily is annoyed he's not being real enough. Stop being polite and start getting real, Doug!

She starts listing her faults and Doug is saying how they aren't faults. And that, too, is too perfect. Also, being sensitive and stubborn are faults if they become an impediment, you know? Like both are fine to an extent, but if they are a "fault" it's because sometimes they cause problems. Anyway.
 
He does get the rose but yeah, he definitely needs to be more of a real person. Instead of just "Doug with a rose." But then they sit there awkwardly as Doug wrestles with kissing Emily, because he's kind of a slow mover - and Emily sports a look of consternation.

Group Date

Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jeffff, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon are group-daters, which leaves Alejandro, Nate, Wolf and Michael as the four who might be two-on-one. Nate laments that, and that might be the first we've heard from him since Night One also.

The date pits four-man teams against each other sailing and the losers don't get to continue on the date, which is fun. We really liked that softball date they did with the girls last season on "The Bachelor." Competition is fun.

Emily looks super cute in her little sweater boat-y outfit. She takes the guys to a sailing lesson and then they are turned loose. The teams are Red (Travis, Sean, Charlie and Chris) and Yellow (Jefff, Arie, Ryan and Kalon). I'm rooting for Red, given that split. The lead changes a bunch of times, but Yellow pulls it out and that sucks. Red seems like they were working so much harder than Yellow.

On the way home in the van, Charlie cries a little and says he's so embarrassed. Whoa. Dude, you didn't embarrass yourself. Pull it together, fella. The better team lost, but no need to cry about it.

At the cocktail party, Ryan calls Emily his Trophy Possible Wife, which - dude. Most women (even if they are impossibly beautiful and have money, like Emily) don't want to be called that. Plus, Emily actually doesn't strike me as a trophy wife. She's really started to grow on me this season. Crazy.

She takes alone time with Arie and they don't really talk much, just make out. There are definitely some fireworks there in terms of physical attraction and kissing sparkage, but we haven't really seem them be super real yet. The Dollywood date wasn't as connecting as some dates.

Jeffff gets one-on-one time and, like, he says, like, nice things to Emily and, like, still looks twelve and like, looks like someone Emily should, like, babysit for. And like, he talks about their, like, "vibe." Like. Also, these two have zero chemistry, to my eyes.

In a delightful bit of editing, Chris and Charlie talk about how Ryan was upset about Arie kissing Emily at the last Rose Ceremony and they say if he's smart, he won't bring it up. But Ryan is not smart (as we can see by the haircut he sports).

So when he takes his one-on-one time, he first talking-heads about the "great responsibility" she has on her shoulders as the Bachelorette, which ....... okaaaaay. And when she talks to him about the weird stuff he says, he says it's flirtatious (it's not) and then he keeps harping on the beautiful kids they're gonna have. And also that God designed her to be a beautiful woman, so she's gotta be a beautiful woman. Ughhhh. Emily giggles and acts all shocked, but really you can tell she's flattered.

Then Ryan brings up her "responsibility" and how she has to impact tons and tons of people and young ladies who are going to see how she behaves, and how she was kissing Arie. Um, is he really concerned about what message that is sending? Or is this just his macho way of putting Emily in her place because he's jealous and territorial? Like instead of expressing how it made him jealous (like a grown up), he has to make her feel like she's being irresponsible by acting like a loose woman for all those young girls out there watching. Because that's how this d-bag views women and he had to knock her back a few pegs, lest she forget. Gross.

The rose goes to Jefffff. *eye roll* He's going to take that home and press it in his journal. Arie's confused why he didn't get the rose and I agree. But of course, D-bag Hair thinks he would've been "betrayed" if she had given the rose to Arie.


Two-on-One Date

Nate and Wolf are the ones, which is a shame. I like them both, what little we've seen, and I'm not crazy about Alejandro or Michael (what little we've seen, of course, I'm sure they're lovely men), so that's a bummer. Honestly, it's mostly based on which ones I find most attractive at this point and Nate and Wolf trump Alejandro and Michael.

But meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Plantation, the men start talking about how Wolf has an edge because he's 30 versus Nate being 25. And Chris, who is also 25, takes issue with this. He particularly seems to think Doug is the worst one, which isn't the case. Doug can be a little sanctimonious because he's got a kid and he's 33, but he wasn't really being a jerk here. Plus, all the guys were chiming in about it, not just Doug. But Chris is staring at Doug like he wants to stab Doug in his sleep.

Anyway, the threesome date goes cliff diving. "Jumping-off point" metaphor, everybody drink! Drink twice for me! It's really boring, though. They make one jump, they get back on the boat, nothing of consequence has happened yet. Zzzzzzz.

For dinner, they eat in a beautiful cave, it's amazing. Nate is dressed like an extra from "Miami Vice," while Wolf is dressed a little farmer-y. And THEN. Nate talks about the "quin-o-ah" on the plate and the fiber, which is super awkward, but also hilarious becuase it's pronounced "queene-wah." Heh. And while they sit there together, it's maybe the most awkward threesome date. It's so awkward it's almost like they're together to have an actual threesome and everybody's super nervous.

Nate goes off with Emily and he gets choked up talking about his family, which is super sweet. Awww, what is happening?! He's such a sweetheart! I am so bummed he has gotten so little camera time so far. But he also does seem really young.

Meanwhile, Wolf takes his alone time and he seems nice, but there seems to be less of a spark with him than with Nate. It's hard to say, though - she's not registering on our chemistry Richter scale much with either of these guys.

Then Emily gives the rose to Wolf. Bummer. Nate really got short shrift on this season and he's SO frigging cute. Bummer. Also, though, we can't see Nate having trouble finding a lady. He seems great.

Cocktail Party

Before Emily arrives, Ryan says he's confident he's sticking around. Oh, please, please let that be some awesome editing. The guys talk about him when he's not around and Jefffff is hilariously sporting shorts and knee socks. Um, WTF?

Ryan takes some alone time and manages to tell Emily that despite her being the center of attention, that doesn't necessarily make her "worthy." Did we hear that right? "WORTHY?" Um, worthy of what? Your d-bag hair or your ego that you have no right to have? Ughhhh. He makes Kalon look downright humble. Guys who think they are so awesome because they excelled at a sport are so hilarious - some of them, like Ryan, think that makes them some great prize, but that's ALL THEY HAVE. Ryan has no good sense humor (that we've seen). He doesn't seem overly intelligent (he's not super dumb, but he's not impressing us with his intellect). He's actually not that attractive either. So it's like - where does this ego come from? He talks about how he's a good catch and I'm just floored - why does he think that?

Then he reveals that he's "called to something bigger," by which he means getting famous as the next Bachelor. Um, dude. There's no way. You're not likable enough. The lack of self-awareness is staggering.

Meanwhile, Chris is still really bugged about the being-25-thing. And honestly, that's kind of weird - the guys weren't being crappy about it, so perhaps this is striking more of a personal nerve with Chris than it being the guys sabotaging him. In his alone time, Chris tells Emily all about the conversation and then weirdly (privately) completely blames Doug for if he doesn't get a rose. Like Doug threw him under the bus or something - don't pick this guy, he's super immature and only 25. Which Doug has done nothing of the sort. "Just because of Doug, I'm in jeopardy of not getting a rose." Um, what?! Stop getting your personal crap all over Doug.

So Chris feels like he needs to confront Doug and is tossing around a lot of things that Doug never did and never said. Um, if you have to say you're being a "grown-a** man," you're not being one. And Chris just wants Doug to know that he's never gonna back down, while Doug kind of laughs and says two awesome things - you don't get my competitive juices flowing and that Chris is insecure. Ding ding ding! Seriously, it's like Chris has lost his friggin' mind.

Rose Ceremony

So, who is going home? Hmm. We hope it's Ryan, but we aren't sure the show has set up enough of his ego for the delicious fall just yet. In her one-on-one with Chris Harrison, at least Emily reveals she does smell what Ryan is shoveling, thank God.

Two guys are going home and Doug, Jefffff and Wolf already have roses. Roses also go to Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (Nooooo, but I knew it was too early for that awesome moment), Kalon and Alejandro (what?!). I'm so surprised Charlie is going home. Wow. Michael is not a surprise, he's a non-entity, but Charlie seems so sweet! Bummer.

Next week: Pip pip! Cheerio! I do love London, too. And the drama with Ryan continues! Excellent. Is he the guy who calls Ricki "baggage"? Here's hoping.

Outtakes: Emily, that is not the two-step. And you call yourself a Southerner.

Photo/Video credit: ABC
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