'The Bachelorette': Shut UP, Dave!

David_thebachelorette_s5_290 Tonight on "The Bachelorette," we have to endure more Dave. I was hoping he'd been hit by a bus by now.

We kick it off with a pre-recorded interview between Chris and Jillian. They touch on Tanner and his foot fetish and Dave and what a creepy psychopath he was. Jillian calls him "disrespectful," but I think she's just being nice. They talk about Ed's comings and goings and Kiptyn's "leap of faith."

We finally get to why Wes the Asshat stayed around so long. Jillian says she just kept seeing the good side of him. Were we watching the same show, Jillian? WHAT GOOD SIDE?!?! ARGH! She says she fell for his song, which makes me question her taste in music. Jillian says that he wasn't there for her and that he may have had a girlfriend. Has she watched the season yet? I have to say no because Wes said in the limo that he had a girlfriend. Hmph.

They finally touch on Reid and how she wasn't ready to let him go. Sniffle. Poor Reid. He kind-of blew it by not being more open. Next we move into clips we haven't see before:

Special K's Relationship Advice
There's a segment where Special K from the Globetrotters gives Jillian relationship advice. Turns out he loved Dave, which means we can throw Special K's opinion right out the window.

Ed Gets Knee-Walkin' Drunk
Jillian tries to talk to Ed about their date and he's like, "You're throwing lots of words out there" and then he gropes her thigh and then later he picks her up. Awesome. They'll have beautiful alcoholic children.

Snowball Fight
Mike, Mark and Jillian have a snowball fight on the Finger Cuffs date. It's kind of lame.

Robby Dies in the Wilderness
Remember when Robby was kicked off the train like he tried to rob it? Apparently the train missed the stop and had to back up. Wow. Riveting. How about a clip of someone actually picking Robby up again, so we don't worry that he was eaten by bears.

Reid and Jillian Hula Dance
Yikes. Reid is like Elaine Benes without the thumbs-ups.

Visiting Kiptyn's Charity
Jillian showed up at a kids-from-the-streets charity in a lavender cocktail dress. Hmmm.

Time to check in with Jason and Molly. Ummm... nobody cares. Jason is pretty much a huge jerk and his two rejected Final Three have gone on to alternately be awesome on "Dancing With the Stars" and getting to pick a new guy. But I suppose I should recap it... harumph.

Apparently the immediate aftermath for Molly was not good. Well, duh. He rejected you, picked someone else, it didn't work out and then he asked you back like sloppy seconds. It also made you look weak and him look like an ass. Well done, the pair of you.

There's a video of Jason and Molly's "life together," which as far as I know means she lives in Milwaukee and he lives in Seattle and they have lots of phone sex or something. They say that it's been about six months and that it couldn't be better, though it's hard not to be in the same city. Could this be the second wedding in the history of this show? Hmmm. I make fun, but if they are happy... whatever, good for them. My black heart isn't quite dead.

Bachelor Time
We now welcome a bunch of the bachelors to the studio. Everybody gets a cheer, with Robby and Jake getting the loudest cheers. Dave doesn't get booed (I swear to God I would have booed) but the cheers are dampened. Wes is conspicuously absent. I have a word for him that rhymes with wussy.

We now have a montage of what the guys said about each other. Jake was Mr. Perfect. Robby was the Lush, Wes was the Ass but we've covered that plenty here, Dave was the Scary Freak and Juan was a Mixed Bag.

Chris starts with Jake after the video and the guys aren't particularly nice with him. Tanner F takes him out for a ride for crying after he told Jillian about Wes. He calls it "pulling a Mesnick." Man, these guys are being kind of jerks. Jake finally tells Sasha "eff you," which is nice.

We touch on Juan and Dave. Some of the guys defend Dave, which is gross. Don't defend him and his g*ddamn "Man Code." Take your Man Code and shove it up your ass, Dave. Juan says that being a man is not getting drunk, being belligerent and threatening people and that also being inappropriate with Jillian is not being a man. Tanner F then says that Juan is full of sh*t.

Really? I think Juan is pretty much spot-on and Tanner F and Dave the Psychopath can take a walk. The stupid Juan-did-or-didn't-take-the-shot thing comes up again and Chris sums it up nicely, "Who gives a crap?!?!" I am so off-the-charts sick of this because Dave is an anger-issues frat boy date rapist. He tries to defend his "I want to beat the sh*t out of Juan" comment, walk it back by saying that he didn't want Juan dead, he just didn't like him. That's not what it sounded like, dude.

Dave then says that Tanner P broke "Man Code" by ratting out Wes. Shut UP, Dave! Dave has issue with Tanner P not stepping up and saying it was him who said something to Jillian and that he didn't tell Jillian who it was that had the girlfriend. I do agree with that, but Dave can still bite me. Jake steps in and basically says all this macho frat-boy BS needs to stop. No kidding. So many of these guys have now become unattractive to me, not just Dave. Tanner F and Jesse in particular. Gross.

Dave on the Hot Seat. Sigh. I don't want to waste more time on this douchebag. He really splits hairs about "groping" and talking about Jillian's ass. He also says she put out the signals and then took them back. Well, isn't that a date-rapey philosophy. She wanted it. She wanted me to kiss her. Gross. Chris does ask him where the respect for women is in his Man Code and he says, "It's hard to explain."

Here's an explanation: there is no respect for women in your stupid Man Code and I'm sure we'll see you on "Cops" in a few years in a wife beater and boxers, TV on the fuzz, dog yappin', baby cryin', and your excuse will be, "She hit me first."

The guys get a chance to say that they were surprised by Dave's creepy date with Jillian and that they'd never treat her that way and that his excuse that he was cooped up in a house full of guys is not an excuse. Damn right. Dave says that if Jillian comes out and says that he made her feel very uncomfortable that night, he will apologize from the bottom of his heart. Well, of course that's your answer on national TV. Spare me.

Jake on the Hot Seat. He says he didn't break the "Man Code" and he'd do it again in a heartbeat. My only question is why he didn't do it sooner. That is probably producer-influenced, if I had to guess. The guys get to talk to him now and they take him to town for the Wes stuff. Dave says he "cried like a little girl" and that him acting all emotional was yucky. Meanwhile, Robby, Juan, Tanner P and Mathue say they agreed with Jake's move. Mike S may have also had his hand up in the back.

Audience Questions. Does he still have feelings for Jillian? He says, "I always will." Well... let's hope not ALWAYS. Let's not still be pining when you're old and gray. Next question is "If the show were to ask you to be the next Bachelor, would you?" He says that it would be an honor, but his heart is still with this season.

Wes Time. Nobody was fooled by Wes. Chris says, "You mean 'Love Don't Come Easy' isn't original?" and I add, "Or good?" Effing Mark says that a musician isn't going to put his guitar down on the show, like would Robert Plant put down his guitar? There are so many things wrong with that line of thinking. Shut UP, Mark. Dave chimes in to defend Wes. Offfff course he does.

The audience gets to rake Wes over the coals a little. There are NO Wes supporters in the audience. Snerk. One stupid woman says, "If it walks like a snake and talks like a snake... there's a chance he's a guy most women don't want to date." Good thinking, blondie.

Wes is a Douche Montage. We have to hear that stupid song again, which I reiterate is not good. Wes isn't even that good of a singer. But you know... he had a #1 hit in Chihuahua, Mexico. What does that even MEAN? Do they have their own charts? Or does that just mean a nice Mexican man with a push-cart sold out of Wes CDs? Seriously. SHOVE IT, WES.

Jillian Time. So she has seen the show now. She sympathizes with Juan and thinks he dealt with it like a total gentleman, so THANK GOD she has a brain in her head. She then tells Dave that he made her feel really uncomfortable and he looks like he wants to snap her neck like a twig and bury her in a shallow grave. I mean... he apologizes. Hmph.

She addresses Jake first and says she didn't want to lead him on, then addresses Wes and says she had to follow her heart. She says she's a smart girl and is a good judge of character. It's frustrating to hear her say that, but I'll just reiterate, "Let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all."

Mike S is a huge sweetie towards her, saying that he learned a lot about love and about the woman that he'd like to marry. Awww. He really seems like a good guy. Juan compliments her feet. Heh.

Fun Montage. There are some basketball accidents, the streaking incident, some skiing accidents, Tanner P being funny with a doll, Dave yelling at some people to get out of his shot. Natch. There are some farting incidents and Jillian being drunk in her talking-heads. Heeeeee.

We round things out with video montages of Kiptyn and Ed. It's all stuff we've seen before. Bloop bloop bloop.

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