'The Bachelorette': The final three men are ...

emily-maynard-bachelorette-final-four.jpgTime for the best episode of the show all season, y'all - hometown dates. We're not sure anything on this season of "The Bachelorette" can top the bird funeral or the taxidermy dad, but Jeffff's giant family is where we hold out the most hope for crazypants shenanigans.

Emily gives us a video/voice over recap of the final four guys and her assertion that Jeffff is a "guy with an edge" is laughable. Jeffff has an edge like a super ball. Arie has much more of an edge, though none of those doofuses are any kind of "bad boy." Which is good, but we're just saying.

Emily says Sean makes her feel safe and taken care of, by which she means "tingly in her naughty places," we think. Seriously, the two of them pretty much only have their making out going on.

Chris' Date, Chicago

Hopefully Chris has gotten his "Fatal Attraction" side under control. Emily says she's glad Chris is planning the date and she gets to just enjoy it - like Emily really works hard to plan out her dates, doing all this advanced work and scouting locations and whatnot. Uh huh. Like she doesn't just show up somewhere and look pretty - that's like her entire job.

Chris is first-generation U.S., which is really rare nowadays with European folk who are our age. That's cool that his dad was raised in Poland. Anyway, Chris addresses the snit fit he had on last week's episode, apologizing again for being such a baby, which at least shows that he's got some self-awareness and remorse, so that's nice.

At Chris' house, Emily meets Chris' parents and two sisters Renee and Teresa. It's kind of striking how much Emily resembles the blonde sister (Renee?). His dad does a great job assuring Emily that Chris will be a great dad to Ricki. It's great that he's so supportive of his son, seems like a great family to marry into.

Meanwhile, Renee asks Emily that if Chris isn't the one, to please end it sooner rather than later. Good big sister. When Emily and Chris say goodbye, he tells her he loves her again. These two are finally showing some sparkage that I hadn't really seen up 'til now.

Then it's time to dance with a giant Polish band. As one does, I guess. Heh.

Jeffff's Date, Utah

Jefff lives on a giant Mormon compound - Harry Dean Stanton is lurking just around the corner, we suspect. He immediately takes her skeet shooting and she say she looked so hot doing it. Eww. Sorry, he's like a kid with a pompadour. He has yet to look hot the entire show.

We are much more in agreement that Emily looks hot shooting a gun. She does. Spin-off where Emily rides around as a U.S. Marshal. And then Emily gets the rundown of all the siblings she's going to meet - I'd still be kind of weirded out that his parents aren't there.

They then talk about Jeffff's past relationship where he was at the point of proposing and then didn't go through with it 'cause his family didn't like her. Yikes. Family opinion is important, but ... hmm.

During a talking-head, Jeffff's older brother Steve weirdly says, "With our parents not here, I've had to assume the older brother role." Um, what? This isn't one of those families where the dad is also the brother, is it?

The one-on-ones with the siblings are pretty unremarkable. Jeffff refrains from telling his siblings he wants to "date Emily so hard" and then "marry the f*** out of her." Wonder how that would've gone over?

Then Jefff takes Emily off and reads her a letter he wrote that isn't quite the "I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich" speech, but Emily likes it.

Arie's Date, Arizona

Their date starts at the racetrack where they go for a ride in his Indy car, which is pretty awesome. I'd love to go for a ride in a racecar. Then on a picnic, Arie has to brace Emily for how weird his parents are. Hmm. He says his mom is going to be tough to win over and Emily hilariously goes, "On that note [reaches for the wine bottle] let's have a drink!" Heh. That was adorable.

That night, Arie's mom speaks in Dutch a little bit and it makes Emily feel awkward because they are obviously talking about her and she can't understand them. Yeah, that's super rude. And Arie should've spoken up and told them to knock it off. He sort of did, but not enough.

Also his mom is totally "Real Housewives of Scottsdale." Yikes. When Emily and mommy dearest take alone time, the mom wants to know about why Emily and Brad failed, which is kind of weird. But they do seem to bond over being married to a racecar driver and balancing that with a family. It doesn't go nearly as bad as the build-up would make you think it was going to go. We're still on board Team Arie for the win.

Sean's Date, Dallas

Pre-family, there's a lot of fretting about Sean being so perfect and therefore having the perfect family. Why is that a concern with him and not the other guys? Nothing we've seen has made us think Sean is so perfect that his family is just going to be too much to take. He does have a pretty amazing house, though. Six-year-old Andrea is really coveting Kensington's cottage.

Then Sean drops a bit of a bomb on Emily that he still lives at home. And she does a pretty good job of covering and making it sound like no big deal. But she admits in a talking-head that it's a little weird. And he said he doesn't have to live there, he just chooses to becuase he feels more comfortable there. Um, red flag. Having to live at home for economic reasons is one thing, but .... grow up, dude.

And THEN - he takes her to his room and it's a total pigsty. It's like he was living there eating food and drinking milk and there are stuffed animals everywhere and - then he says he doesn't live at home, it's a joke. Hmm. And his whole family was in on it. Wow. That was .... not that funny, dude.

Sean's dad comments that something magical is going on between Sean and Emily, which - not that we've seen. So far, it just seems like Sean and Emily want to make with the kissing, but the other connections don't really seem there. We still like Sean more than Jeffff, but we don't see him and Emily settling down.

Pre-Rose Chris Harrison dish

Emily is really torn. The end.

Rose Ceremony

Now, if it were me - Jefff would be gone (a long time ago), but I predict it's Chris who gets the boot this week. The roses go to Arie, Jeffff and Sean. Yeah. On the way out, Emily sits down with Chris and he's pretty shocked.

She just says that the other relationships grew so much faster and deeper than hers did with him and he angrily says he told her he loved her, then he kind of shuts down and wishes her the best. At least he didn't snap and start yelling at her, but that would've been amazing TV.

In the limo, he says Emily made him a believer again about falling in love. Yes, 'cause you're so jaded at 25. He then says he's 10x the man of all the dudes left and his eyes get a little crazy. Hmm.

Next week: Curacao! Dolphins! Lots and lots of kissing.
Photo/Video credit: ABC
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