'The Biggest Loser': The crying game

Mark_jay_biggestloser_s5_240 We've finally gotten to the point on The Biggest Loser when just about everyone starts acting like an overtired child. There's copious crying, bragging, repeating nonsensical phrases, acting out, talking back, eye-rolling, petty pranks... watching this week's show was like taking care of my five-year-old nephew on a very bad day. 

Spoiler, baby, spoiler!

Jay got to pick a prize for being the biggest loser last week, but he doesn't get any hints on what he's picking -- all the envelopes are labeled with question marks. He picks the one that reads "Vegas, baby, Vegas!", thus guaranteeing that we'll hear the Men in Blue repeat that phrase until I'm ready to puncture my eardrums with the nearest sharp object. Team Blue won a trip to Las Vegas.

Bob hears about the prize and goes into buzzkill mode -- no drinking, no smoking, no buffets, exercise your tushies off, and wouldn't it be nicer if you just stayed here? Sorry, Bob -- that's not going to happen. Bob does make up for his pissiness by having Rat Pack style suits waiting for the Men in Blue when they reach their product-placed hotel suite. But Jay's hat and Roger's blue shoes? Um, yeah. The less said, the better. Team Black also gave them a present -- they ordered every fattening (and mouth-watering) thing on the room-service menu for the guys. The Men in Blue resist.

Mark chides the guys into going to the gym first thing, and then they hit the tables and smoke obnoxious cigars. Jay and Mark retire at the (relatively) virtuous hour of 3 a.m., while Roger and Dan hit the town and don't return until after sunrise. Jay and Mark hit the gym at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m.-ish, while Dan and Roger sleep in. When they return, Dan is pissy that the brothers woke him up, while Roger is peevish that the brothers didn't drag his ass to the gym. Both of them need to shut up.

The challenge
It's an obstacle course that depends on teamwork for the challenge this week -- moving truck tires, schlepping sandbags, ferrying medicine balls at an army crawl, then racing to the end. The winner will be the first team to get every member across the finish line.

And the Men in Blue basically wipe the floor with Team Black -- they're stronger and faster, and they don't have any weak links. Kelly gets weepy (of course) and comes close to giving up, sometimes walking the course, but her teammates encourage her -- Bernie, my Biggest Loser boyfriend, makes a point to run with her and encourage her because he's made of awesome -- and they all cross the line together. There's no blame, no recriminations -- it's kind of sweet.

Not so sweet: The scene afterwards. The Men in Blue, particularly Roger, keep flapping their lips. Now that was a real challenge! Not like those sub-standard challenges that we lost earlier, Maggie snipes in interview. Maggie is being bitchy, but she's right. Oh, Roger -- shut up.

The weigh-in
Team Black weighs in first, and they put up good numbers. Kelly and Brittany both lose 6 pounds, while Maggie pulls an 8-pound loss and Bernie drops an impressive 10. The team total: 30 pounds down, or 3.69% of their total weight.

The Men in Blue approach the scale rather cockily. Mistake! They pull decent numbers -- Dan and Jay lose 7 pounds, Roger loses 8 -- but it's not enough. Will Mark be able to lose 13 pounds, like last week?

Nope. He's down only 1 pound, and he looks at the scale like it's the machine's fault. How dare it not deliver what he wanted!

The elimination
This elimination seemed like it went on forever. First of all, Roger reminded Mark that when they kicked off Trent, Mark had said he'd be willing to take the bullet next time out. Mark doesn't remember it that way -- he clearly stated that when he had lost the weight he wanted, and had no more to lose, he'd bow out. Um, thanks?

After a while, Mark concedes that yeah, it's probably best for him to go since he lost the least and he's injured. But he doesn't do it with Trent's grace -- no, he does it wailing like kid being dragged out of Disneyland. Plus, he's downright insulting to Jay -- I need to stay because I'm worried about you, I need to take care of you! Jay points out that he's an adult and has been taking care of himself for a while now, but Mark is fixated on that storyline. He doesn't want to stay because he's selfish -- no, he wants to stay to protect his little brother! What a guy!

Finally, after lots of weeping and laudatory speeches and a full-on breakdown on Jay's part, the Men in Blue vote Mark off. He looks great at the look-at-me-now interview, but the manner of his leaving just makes me want to smack him, and all the other Men in Blue. It's a freaking game -- get over it!

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

  • Did anyone else find Dan incredibly annoying this week in Vegas? The singing? The Dan Cam? The talking smack about Team Black? I was kind of hoping he'd get booted. Oh well.
  • Roger also didn't endear himself to me. How, precisely, is your sleeping in the brothers' fault?
  • The Men in Blue decide to get tattoos with some variation on "Pride." I'm getting so sick of the pride thing. I was hoping the tattoo artist would slap a rainbow flag on one of the guys just to see how they dealt with it.
  • Dan forgoes the Pride for a truly tacky guardian angle holding a guitar. "I think my mom is going to freak out, momentarily, and then she's gong to realize that it's fantastic and then she's going to be like I'm glad you did that, actually," he interviews. I'd almost pay money to see Jackie's reaction.
  • I loved Bernie's reaction at the scale when he hit 201. "That's two pounds away from being under 200, which I haven't been since the number was invented." Hee!
  • Oh, and as a Chicagoan, I felt it was my duty to check out the dessert café that named the cupcake after Bernie at last week's home visit. I didn't have his signature pastry, but the peanut butter chocolate cupcake was awesome. The server there said they'd been getting calls form all over the country after the show. I'm not sure that's what the producers had in mind...
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