'The Hills': The worst wedding since 'Beetlejuice'

Laurenconrad_hills_s4_240_002 Previously on The Hills... Whitney left for the Big Apple, which made Lauren sad, and Heidi went to Mexico and through her tequila haze thought it'd be a good idea to marry her creepy, disgusting boyfriend.

Heidi's at work, wondering about VIP seating for an event. Her co-worker says she spent their vacation in Hawaii and Heidi says she spent her vacation in Mexico and one or two margaritas led to another and suddenly she and Spencer were married. Her boss is less than thrilled.

Lauren and Lo are getting their hair done for a Bolthouse event. That means Heidi will be there. DUN DUN DUN! They can't believe Heidi is married and Lo says that Heidi misses Lauren.

Easy Rider. Justin and Audrina are feeling the hot metal between their thighs on the open road. Justin has on "bib-alls," as my viewing partner so delightfully puts it. Heh heh. They check in to their "bungalow" and Justin heads straight for the liquor. (Offfff course he does.) They're glad they are "drama-free," which is so ironic because dollars to donuts says that by episode's end they are at each other's throats. Justin swigs from the bottle.

Apartment of Abuse and Now Marriage. Heidi's mom has come to visit and I can't get over how pretty she is. I heart Heidi's mom. Heidi tells her mom about the trip and her mom seems to have known already. So did Spencer tell Heidi's mom? That's crappy. Heidi's mom says that if Heidi is happy, then she's happy for her. Which is obviously a lie because her mom goes a little off the rails in berating her about eloping. I happen to think it's not so much about the "eloping" as it is about the "don't marry a controlling, psychological abusive douchebag who has a flesh-colored beard." But maybe that's just me. Heidi insists that they are going down to City Hall the next day to make it legal. Sigh.

Palm Springs. Justin and Audrina go out to eat and he calls it an "outside, dark picnic-like celebration." He's so witty and intelligent. Justin says they are at a stand-still and then snatches a ring from his pinky and puts it on her ring finger. Ew. It probably has herpes. TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

"We Used to be Friends" plays, which makes me nostaligic for Veronica Mars. It's the Bolthouse party and Heidi tells her friend that Spencer isn't allowed anymore (maybe if your HUSBAND isn't allowed at your work events there is a PROBLEM) but that Stephanie and Holly are coming. Suddenly Lauren and Lo show up and Heidi comes over to talk to Lauren.

The conversation is strianed and then gets all schmoopy, which kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Lauren knows about the wedding and Heidi says (unconvincingly) that she's happy. She starts crying when she talks about her mom, which sucks. Lauren gives her a hug. Everybody now... "Awwwwww!" Heidi also pronounces it "irr-ree-PAIR-able," which makes me giggle.

Heidi wants Lauren back as her friend and Lauren just shrugs. Lauren tells her that if she ever really needed anything, Lauren is there for her. Awww, that's nice. I think Lauren's a sweet girl.

Apartment of Angry Mothers. Heid's mom chats with Spencer about how manipulative he was about the wedding. She knows Spencer isn't putting Heidi first and that she can't let them go to the courthouse and make the wedding legal. Spencer insists that this is the way "they" wanted it, which is total BS, and that Heidi is now his wife for the rest of his life. I give it 1 year. Heidi's mom looks sicks to her stomach.

Pal Springs. Justin and Audrina get all snuggly-wuggly in bed together, which is kind of gross. I really hope in the interim between seasons that she throws him over.

Courthouse. Heidi is wearing a very pretty white dress that kind of looks like a cover-up from the water park. Stephanie tries to talk Spencer out of the courthouse wedding because neither Heid's sister nor her mom is there. Stephanie is smart. Spencer is a dillweed.

Heidi Blair Montag takes Spencer "Prat" Pratt in marriges. Ewww. The sassy black judge invites them into her courtroom and performs the ceremony. Heidi repeats her vows just like a good little brainwashed abuse victim and THEN Spencer won't repeat the vows because he wants to make sure that Heidi is okay with being in a courthouse and having her mom mad at her. He is so passive-aggressive and manipulative. He then stops the wedding and says she has to have the wedding of her dreams. Is this supposed to be edited to make him look like a good guy? Because it isn't fooling me. Not at all.

And that's our season of The Hills. I hope I'll be back next fall to record all the tears and trials and drama of these SoCal Ladies. Thanks for reading, guys! Andrea out.

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