'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Hug it Out, Bitches.

the-real-housewives-of-new-jersey-s2-caroline-manzo-320.jpgWe don't know about you, but we haven't slept since last week's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" cliffhanger that left SO many unanswered questions, namely: Will Caroline punch Danielle in the babymaker? Will Teresa's head actually pop off? Will Danielle admit she's switched teams? If the zombies invaded the set, would they find anything to eat? Does Bravo Andy get hazard pay? With these Very Important Questions keeping us awake at night, we are oh so happy to be here perched on our couches, Diet Coke firmly planted in  arm, ready to rumble. Let's get it on, bitches! Just don't hit us.

Bravo Andy welcomes us back to the Borgata hotel in New Jersey, which is probably really regretting this particular product placement. We pick up exactly where we left off: Caroline is sitting nine feet away from Danielle, despite being on the same couch, because she is in a HUFF because of Danielle's behavior at her beloved family business, The Brownstone. While Danielle's hissy fit at The Brownstone took place months ago, Caroline is still smarting from the insult, even though she wasn't actually there and, really, all Albert had to do was re-arrange some tables. And, of course, Chris was called a nasty name behind his back by a felon. Still, this pains Caroline on a deep and personal level, because clearly Albie has never been called a name before and the trauma will be too much for his little tiny head to handle. This taunting will most certainly derail him from his dream of owning a stripper car wash.

Anyway, Danielle caused a ruckus at The Brownstone and then her friend with the beautifully feathered hair (we really hope his stylist becomes a judge on "Shear Genius") called Albie a rotten name and Danielle, a repeatedly self-professed gay advocate who punched Joe in the throat for referring to someone or something as "gay" last season, let it slide. So now Caroline, Jacqueline, Teresa and even Bravo Andy (et tu?) are all screaming at her for ignoring it. Danielle, being Danielle and having a season pass on the Denial Express, now claims that she schooled Danny later, you know, in private. Then she claims she is no longer talking to him because of this incident. Oh Danielle, we sort of understood ignoring your a**hole friend while you are in some deluded sense in fear for your life or at least, hair weave, but pretending you called him out later in hopes of regaining your Gay Advocate crown and sash is silly. Teresa is trying to view this as some sort of retribution for Danielle yelling at Joe last season, but Bravo Andy points out that he was pretty offended by that, too. Teresa settles down. Can someone call her hairdresser in and get him to stop giving her advice and FIX HER DAMN HAIR? It looks absolutely deflated.

Anyway everyone stops screaming about THAT subject and then they start screaming about something else. We're actually not sure what it is. Did Bravo Andy ask a question? Or did Caroline just out of the blue accuse Danielle of stalking her and driving past her house to throw flaming bags of dog poop up the driveway? Danielle, obviously, denies this. She never goes to Franklin Lakes, not even for The Best Panini In the World. NOT EVEN THEN! Then, pursuant to nothing other than Danielle-hate, Jacqueline randomly accuses Danielle of still being a call girl and sleeping with married men. Danielle is SO offended. Not about the call girl thing, because that's true, but MEN? She is far too subversive to sleep with MEN. Jacqueline feels no need to verify her claims, because SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH. We're unconvinced of Jacqueline's grasp of THE TRUTH, but whatever. Everyone screams at Danielle some more, Teresa is hollering about something, but it's unclear what. She may just be aping everything Danielle is doing. Bravo Andy is focusing on his Happy Place and adding zeros to his paycheck as the ladies sigh and flip their hair and shout and mock and degrade each other as much as possible. Finally Danielle has had enough. She is leaving. Or at least marching back stage. She is Done. She says she is done enough times for us to realize that "Done" is the new "Goodbye." You know, for fall.

Danielle is VERY proud of herself and sits backstage gloating to her hairdresser/consigliere/token gay entourage member about knocking them down in this round. Out on the stage, Jacqueline, probably out of boredom or at the encouragement of the producers, decides it is her time to leap off the couch and charge after Danielle. Bravo Andy rolls his eyes, stands up, brushes his pants, and holds her back, and sighs, "No, don't." Jacqueline sits back down as Danielle calls her a Vegas whore, which is funny because it is probably true. Then she reminds viewers that she and Caroline are the same age, but she looks ten years younger, sort of. Out on the couches, Caroline is very admirably trying to play the Voice of Reason, but Jacqueline and Teresa are done with reason. Then Teresa calls Danielle the c-word (note: not cookie) and that is one step too far for Caroline who feels it is her obligation to point out the obvious fact that this will cause Teresa to lose her status as a C-word Advocate. Also, it's not very nice. Bravo Andy gives everyone a Time Out. Finally.

Bravo Andy is reminding Teresa and Jacqueline that they are not allowed off the couch. Teresa swears again and Bravo Andy snaps at her and tells her to just calm down. Teresa glares at him, but she needs the work, so she keeps her mouth shut. Danielle takes her seat and Andy introduces a new topic: Dina! Andy introduces the clip show by reminding us that Dina left the show after the Incident at The Brownstone, which apparently has reached the stature of The Incident at Little Big Horn. If someone had taken a picture and Albert had scaled a mountain, it would have rivaled Iwo Jima ...

Photo credit: Bravo



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