'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Restitution Whores

teresa-guidice-rhonj-s2-320.jpgPREVIOUSLY

At an elegantly understated celebration of the sacrament of baptism, GORGA the Queen of the Orcs got confused about the difference between a brother and an ex-boyfriend, and pulled her usual passive-aggressive s***. What resulted was a monster war unseen since the days of Middle Earth, as thousands of drunk gavones came running at each other screaming about "alla yous" and the like. It was a beautiful moment.

OTHERWISE

Melissa's nasal, gross "Teresa Voice" was exactly the same as her gross, fake-ass "Melissa Voice," which didn't make it any less correct. The fact that Teresa's maiden name is "Gorga" will never ever stop being funny.

Everybody: "Listen! Yous, listen! Listen! Listen to me, yous!"
Everybody: Did not.

Melissa's brother tried to yell his dad to death, but it didn't work.

There was a woman named Kathy, or possibly more than one of her, but I'm not sure what the deal was there except that she had the Gorga flounder-face, and she evacuated all the poor children of these animals to a safe location while they were drunkenly lurching around and babbling at each other and stabbing each other and pulling out each other's weaves and flipping over tables and doing normal dinner-party stuff like that. Oh, and everything she says she says like Oprah, with these pregnant wisdom pauses, even though she's invariably saying totally normal, non-epiphany, self-evident facts.

Kathy, for e.g.: "What you put in your mouth is... Food."
ibid., for e.g.: "As a parent, you worry about... Safety."
ibid., for e.g.: "War has... Lots of casualties."

Caroline kept spontaneously lactating as her sons fled, ignoring her child Lauren's cries for attention; Jacqueline very nearly realized that her daughter is the absolute f****** Worst until she had to fight Lizzie Grubman for her.


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