'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: That's a Spicy Meatball!

new-jersey-2011-.jpgPreviously on Neanderthal Theatre: Teresa royally pissed off just about everyone. Gee, do you think that's going to be a motif for the season? And Ashley continued to be a giant pain in the ass, albeit a blonde one. Now let us all say a solemn episode-commencing prayer that this is the last we see of her, at least until the reunion.

It's a beautiful day in Franklin Lakes! The sun is shining, the grass is green, and Ashley (Ashlee?) is having an anxiety attack because her parents gave her one day's notice that she's going to live with a relative in Nevada. She's clearly quite upset, and I guess there's some part deep inside of me that feels a little bad for her, but mostly I just laugh. Jacqueline feels similarly sympathetic, and bounces her two-year old Nicholas up and down saying, "Bye bye! Goodbye! Say goodbye!" in an inappropriately cheerful manner. Or, it WOULD be inappropriate if you were ignorant of Ashley(e)'s enduring bull****. Good riddance! Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave! So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

Poor Albie has been recruited to drive Ashley(e) to the airport since Jacqueline has neither the balls nor the desire to do it. She tells us that Ashley(e) has been self-destructing, as evidenced by her desire to physically morph into Lindsay Lohan. Jacqueline is whatever the opposite of sad is, and tells Ashley(e) that they'll Skype once she gets to Vegas. Literally, she's like, "See ya later!" The mother-child bond is so strong that it simply makes my ovaries ache.

And then it's time for some Caroline Manzo realness. Mama Manzo and Lauren go to see nutrition specialist Dr. Nicholas Perricone, who is just as orange as everyone else on this show. Poor Lauren has come to get her weight under control, under the watchful eye of the Real Housewives cameras. We then learn that Lauren left Chateau Salon and Spa the DAY AFTER her grand opening party! What the hell? I mean, I guess it was all just a set up for the show, so probably easy to bail. But remember how much hell she gave Ashley(e) over the stupid t-shirts or whatever? Anyway, Lauren has apparently been sitting around and eating pasta and white bread ever since. Caroline confesses to Dr. Perricone that she wishes it was one of her sons who was heavy. Probably Christopher, because I think everyone agrees that Albie should stay exactly the way he is. Whatever, I am kind of in love with the Caroline Manzos, and just want to hang out at their house drinking chianti and making red sauce and playing cards. I'd even take a shift at the Brownstone! I just enjoy them very much, and even more so when compared with the whole Giudice/Gorga nightmare that we are forced to endure. Dr. Perricone's crackhouse diet consists of pasteurized egg whites, some berries, and perhaps chocolate powder. I guess you have that once a day, and then you're a picture of health. Lauren says that she's committed, and wants a Chanel dress for all of her skinnifying efforts.

SHARE IT ON: