'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The Hills Have Eyes

real-housewives-new-jersey-teresa-joe-giudice.jpgYou may have spent the whole week working, but the Manzo/Giudice/Laurita Love Boat is still cruising towards Naples and, hopefully, a Mafioso hit on Joe Giudice. I mean, THAT would make a dramatic "Real Housewives of New Jersey" season finale, right? Not that this is the season finale, because this show is going to go on forever and ever until we all die of boredom or Teresa crushes us under a table or we suffocate under an avalanche of pink-sequined tulle or Danielle has us all gunned down at the hands of Jailbird Danny for ruining her chance at rebirth as the Bodhisattva of Juvederm. But, to be clear, this is not the season finale, no matter how much we all wish it was.

The cruise boat docks in Naples, and everyone prepares to use the thoughtfully provided can openers to pry themselves out of their cabins. Joe has been forced to carry 45 pieces of luggage of every shape but in varying shades of pink and Burberry check imaginable. He is so laden he looks like a donkey. Well, even more like a donkey. He is cursing up a storm and kicking bags in front of him trying to figure out what he did wrong in his life to be saddled with 45 pieces of girl luggage for a seven-day trip. My first guess? Marrying Teresa. Heck, that's my only guess. Teresa explains that she packed less than usual because she knew Joe was stressed out what with his failing finances, forced expenditures, warrants out for his arrest, and DUI. That and the whole fleeing-the-country thing are just a tad stressful. Also, the wife with no off-button and an unhealthy love of leopard print. Joe curses and kicks over a trash can and throws the luggage around and finally gets down all three decks to the safety of dry land. Adding insult to injury, it turns out everyone else left their bags in their rooms. Teresa was concerned that all the girls' accessories make it to the village so she can impress her cousins and nana with how far she has come in life. Yes, in America her girls can have elastic and bows and glitter and curls. The party boat expels its contents onto a private tour bus. All the little girls are shrieking and, strangely, this makes Caroline into a giant grumpy bunny. This does not concern Teresa, though. She is too busy sightseeing to care if her daughters are screeching. She explains that Naples has a volcano that erupted either 60 or hundreds of years ago. One of those two, for sure. She thinks it is erupting again, but, no, it's just fog. She is relieved, but not as much as Joe, who was trying to picture fleeing a lava flow with 45 pink Burberry bags and four little girls and Teresa, who would probably want to be carried so she wouldn't ruin her Chanel boots.

After a brief sight seeing tour. JESUS CHRIST! I'm recapping a f***ing vacation video! No one wants to watch a vacation slide show! No one! This is going to read like if Captain Haddock wrote for Hotels.com. Teresa and Joe bring their girls into the luxury suite overlooking Naples. It's a lovely room with gilded beds and a bathroom with two toilets! Or a little sink! Teresa explains it's a bid-uh, oh-bid-uh, bid-oo, JOE! WHAT'S THIS CALLED! Billions of blistering blue barnacles, it's a bidet, you morons! Joe calls it a douche, which is unnecessary. What did that bidet ever do to him? And who is Joe to call anyone a douche in his Burberry sweater, gelled hair, and Axe body spray fog? Meanwhile, in another lovely golden room, Albert is just trying to get some peace and quiet, but Caroline wants to "talk." Well mostly she wants to complain, but she is smart enough to realize the cameras are rolling and Teresa might see if she berates her parenting style. Instead she'll just log on to the UrbanBaby.com message boards and leave anonymous hate mail for breastfeeding working moms. Albert tactfully says that the girls are "special" but could use an "iron hand." Albert wins the diplomacy award! Albert waxes nostalgic about his last trip to Naples and going to see the ruins of Pompeii. Caroline wishes she could see that, but is pragmatic enough to realize that Teresa would make her take at least one of her daughters.
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