'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The Not So Great Outdoors

new-jersey-2011-.jpgPreviously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Oh my God, who even gives a rat anymore? Everyone was an *******. There, that's all you need to know.

We open on the RV Park in San Francisco, where Albie Manzo is "playing" his guitar and making new context-specific lyrics to the tune of "On Display." Christopher just looks like he wishes someone would put him out of his misery. That happens a lot in this episode. Albert randomly is trying to chop wood with a little hand axe that is stuck in the very log that he is trying to chop. To get through the next hour, I'm just going to pretend that this is the episode where they all get eaten by bears. Jacqueline and Teresa are getting along all right, which makes Jacqueline sad. For had they been true friends on this trip, they could have done lots of stupid **** and also been drunk a lot together on Fabellinis.

Apparently there is some sort of surfing outing planned. I am in favor of this, since it increases the chances that Joe Giudice will get eaten by a shark. The men all sit around in the parking lot, and Vito pulls down his pants to show everyone the bear tattoo on his ass. But maybe there's not a tattoo and he's just showing off his balls? Is this what straight men DO? Chris yells out, "And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is going to marry my sister!" which is awkward for obvious reasons. Albert encourages the men to sober up a little bit before they go surfing, which I think is TERRIBLE advice. Drink another bottle of wine and then strap a 20-pound weight to each foot before dousing yourself with tuna water and fresh blood! That's how real surfers do it!

The crew heads to Maverick's Surf Shop, where they talk about shark attacks. Foreshadowing? This gives me some hope! Maybe they should cut Joe Gorga on the arm before he enters the water. Or just throw buckets of chum in around him. Caroline, having almost drowned when she was a kid, is not so on board with the drunk surfing. Vito tries to get out of it by claiming to be too fat, but the surf shop guy says that surfing is for all sizes. Despite this, Jacqueline is too self-conscious to get into a wet suit. I think I'd be okay with her surviving the shark attack, but I really wish Caroline would suit up and take her chances. Joe Gorga says that being in a wetsuit makes you look like a black condom, which makes him horny. I mean, obviously. He would totally turn bi for the rubber suit guy on American Horror Story.

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