'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The Right Ingredientses

teresa-guidice-rhonj-s2-320.jpgPreviously on Masterpiece Classics Presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie and Chris got an apartment, causing Caroline to reach 60% of a nervous breakdown. Teresa was working hard for the money, basically because she has no choice. Ashley was a total rag, per usual, and Jacqueline got all upset about it, again per usual. Teresa's unfrozen caveman brother pounded the table at his own son's christening, and then there were words and fists. Tensions escalated between the Giudices and the Gorgas, and things came to a head -- again -- at the Posche fashion show, as these things tend to do. This is not in the previous episode recap, but if you'll recall we also saw the most heinous of all, Kim G., whose only redeeming moment in her history on this show was telling another woman in a very public fashion that she had a square tit. Cousin Kathy stepped in it when she intimated that Teresa abandoned her baby at the christening in favor of fisticuffs, and then Teresa got all finger-wavey and Caroline had to set everyone straight. She's basically like the bouncer at the Brownstone at this point. At least it gives her something to do at the time when she would otherwise be wiping the bibs of her 25-year-old sons.

We begin at Kathy's house, where she and her husband Rich, resplendent in a pink gingham shirt, enjoy a meal. They have those horrible dishes with bright painted designs that you find on that one really sketchy rack at TJ Maxx, by the wine goblets that say "Princess." I am so distracted by those dishes that I don't know if I can properly recap this scene. Oh God, and then Rich slurps his soup like I can't even tell you. Every three words that Kathy says it's like, "SLURRRRRRRRP." I think there's plastic fruit on this table too. Their dining area is like my purgatory. Kathy explains to Rich that she was trying to have an adult conversation with Teresa at the Posche fashion show, which really was her first mistake. I think the most effective way to communicate anything to Teresa is just to make a series of grunts and then, like, throw a tomato or something. Kathy doesn't think that she did anything wrong, and Rich tells her not to keep beating herself up over it. Kathy says that she wants to have a sit-down with Caroline. This is her second mistake. She explains in an interview that you only get one chance to make a first impression, and Teresa ruined that. Kathy has the stunning eyes of a pug. Seriously, they are glassy, defined globes when she is in profile. Rich tells her that if they take Teresa out of the equation, especially given that Caroline already knows that Teresa is an idiot, she might stand a chance at befriending the Manzo matriarch. We all know that this is a terrible idea, but Kathy doesn't seem to have all that much else going on, so I guess there's not too much harm in it.

Teresa heads to Divine Studio in New York, where food stylist Jamie Kimm is whipping up some items from her forthcoming cookbook. Jennifer Kasius, the executive editor of Running Press, is there, along with creative director Frances Soo Ping Chow. She just introduces herself as "Frances," with no last name, because she's an intuitive person like that. Ben Fink and his baby handlebar moustache are photographing the food. Teresa looks at what they've done so far, noting that when she makes drumsticks they're "more browner" and that the Juicy Joe's meatballs need more sauce. Despite not saying a word, the food stylist is perhaps my favorite person ever to appear on this show. Teresa explains that her first cookbook, Skinny Italian, was a nine-week best seller, and so she's hoping to repeat the magic with her new cookbook, Fabulicious. She explains how the word "fabulicious" came into being, which I'm sure you already know, because if you're watching the third season of this show you're already fluent in Moron.


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