'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Toast and Jam

new-jersey-2011-.jpgPreviously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa was getting along with almost everybody! Because she was acting kind of nice! And then Juicy got a call from his alleged mistress (or as he said, a "worker") and said some rather unseemly things about Teresa while on the phone. Things started to go downhill after that, particularly when Teresa made a really nice toast in which she said nice things about everyone but Kathy. She didn't say anything mean about Kathy, she just didn't say anything at all. Caroline, who is contractually obligated not to mind her own business, was not having it.

We enter just where we left off at the last episode, with the Manzo family telling Kathy how great she is to make her feel better after Teresa omitted her from the toast. Teresa looks annoyed. Or maybe that's just her face? Joe Gorga, sensing tension, suggests that everyone get in the hot tub together for some old fashioned fluid-based bonding. This is, of course, just an excuse for Joe to strip down to his skivvies and show off his steroid muscles and the shadowy specter of Tarzan. He may have left his pants on, except that Melissa screamed, "Those are good pants!" Priorities, I guess. Joe has been having a great time with Teresa, and is surprised that she left Kathy out of her toast. However, he's going to make everything better because, in his words, he's the new matriarch of the family. He laughs in a way that suggests he might know what the word "matriarch" means, but also might not. That's indicative of his particular brand of charisma, I think. Juicy strips down to get in the hot tub too, and Teresa yells that he looks hot although that is unequivocally false. Christopher wonders when this gets gay. The answer is five minutes ago.

Teresa gets in the hot tub, because she'll never miss an opportunity to show us her crispy orange bod, and then Kathy comes out wearing a bathrobe. She says she doesn't want to ruin the family love, and then says obviously there wasn't family love if she wasn't included in the toast. She's so good at holding things in, no? Teresa's fake smile gets a bit more wooden, and probably she pees in the hot tub a little. Kathy interviews that she'd like to think that Teresa's omission was unintentional, but that would not be consistent with Teresa's mean girl nature. It probably goes without saying that everyone has a big glass of red wine. No glass in the hot tub! Or, maybe in this case, lots of glass in the hot tub. Teresa pretends not to remember that there was a toast, and Melissa explains that Kathy is talking about a toast that Teresa, herself, gave, and asks Teresa to tell Kathy that she loves her or whatever. In her crazy Falcon Crest as performed by chimpanzees interview garb, Teresa claims that the slight was unintentional, but also what the heck did Kathy and Richie even DO on this trip that was toast-worthy? She thinks that they shouldn't be so insecure.

With the full complement of Gorgas (and Greg) in the hot tub, everyone starts saying how this trip felt like old times. But then Kathy turns to Teresa and says that she doesn't want to be there with unresolved feelings. What she DOES want, I think, is screen time. Juicy leaves, saying that he has to go take a piss. We know this is a lie, because he clearly already peed in the hot tub. Melissa also hightails it out of there. And so we are left with Teresa and Kathy in the hot tub alone, talking about whatever their millions of grudges are as everyone looks on. I really hope that they are in the hot tub so much longer than the recommended time that they overheat and pass out, and then we'd get to see if anyone would actually save Teresa. Maybe a cameraman, eventually. Albie thinks that Teresa looks deflated, but Caroline thinks that she looks full of ****, per usual.

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