'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: WTF.

rhonj-danielle-staub-hair-dummy-320.jpgOh for f***'s sake. Much like the mafia, you think you're out of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," but they just pull you right back in. While it was the season finale last week, SURPRISE! It's the reunion special! And not just a one-time affair, oh no, it's two parts because clearly all the insanity can't fit into one hour of television. So whip up a batch of Diet Coke and Barolo (try not to blow anything up this time) and settle into your leopard print papasan to watch the brawl.

Andy Cohen's voice rings out: These women have not been under the same roof in over a year. Let's bring them together under the vaunted roof of the Borgata, who was undoubtedly paid a very hefty security deposit for allowing these women access. They probably bolted the tables to the floor, too. Andy Cohen looks ...tense as he pretends to smile at the women splayed out around him like greyhounds (spray tanned, beadazzled, leopard print, weave wearing, siliconed greyhounds) ready to leap out of the cages and START THIS THING.

Jacqueline and Teresa are on one side, Caroline and Danielle on the other. Andy is wearing a glossy purple tie hoping to distract the ladies with something shiny when they get rambunctious. He starts the proceedings with a question about Jersey. You see, the Real Housewives of New Jersey were the ORIGINATORS of the New Jersey trend that has spawned "Jersey Shore," "Jersey Couture," and god knows what other Jersey-themed shows are in the works on those wacky networks. IT'S THEIR FAULT. Burn the witches!

Andy Cohen wants to talk politics, which much like religion are verboten topics for dinner parties, but he plunges right in: The Governor of New Jersey thinks "Jersey Shore" is vile and misrepresentative of the Garden State. So, who watches the show? Teresa claims she watched it once, at a friend's house, and, uh, she really prefers to read ...um, Hollebecq and sometimes Paglia in her free time. Teresa stops herself from talking about philosophy and critical theory for fear of ruining her reputation and instead denounces Jersey Shore for promoting promiscuity among the GTL-set.

Speaking of promiscuity at the Jersey Shore, Danielle once slept with a guy at the shore while her children were in the same house! SHAME!!! Danielle blinks a few times, because WHOA did you see the segue on that woman? And who knew Teresa was going to bring the crazy so damn early in the proceedings? I mean, yes, we could have guessed, but still. Maybe someone fed her, like, twelve Red Bulls before she got on stage. Teresa is looking a little frumpy and her hair is flattened and maybe the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet and Teresa is feeling a little COMPLETELY F***ING INSANE. Danielle is still blinking trying to calculate Teresa's zero to complete bitch speed. She finally mumbles, "You're really insane." Which is accurate, but also a huge understatement ...

Photo credit: Bravo



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