'The River' recap: Black Snake Pwn

the-river-cast-abc.jpgWhat Dr. Emmet Cole would like to tell you about the magic and the Source and what he has learned from the Boiuna is: Jack nothing. Why does Lena have this birthmark and what is her whole deal? He doesn't feel like saying why, so we will never know why. He just wants to act testy and brood, like the rest of his ****ty family, and wait for some more terrible things to happen. Luckily, he hasn't long to wait.

After Clark gets AJ to admit he's gay -- no, that doesn't happen for any reason either, really; just happens -- some mysterious villain decides to shoot the Cole men while they're talking about that cat in the cradle they're always talking about. "Dad, why were so interested in your career?" "I don't know, son, I guess I'm just selfish." "But Dad, I'm also incredibly selfish. So who is this really about?" "Well, we're the only two straight white American men on this show, so that narrows it down somewhat, but..."

I guess the person was aiming at Emmet, because this is the best time to kill him -- rather than when he was in a coma, or when he was a dragonfly pupa and didn't know what the heck was going on -- but they hit Lincoln instead! Lincoln dies! T.B.T.L.! Tess Cole deals with this in her usual businesslike, cool-as-a-cucumber way, where she doesn't get hysterical or make it all about her or hurl baseless accusations in every direction or scream until the hair stands up on your arm. None of that, no.

Presuming it was Kurt -- based on the fact that Kurt is constantly talking about how he's about to kill Emmet but never does -- the crew locks him up. Jahel stops warning them not to mess with mystic forces just long enough to suggest that they mess with some mystic forces and bring Lincoln Cole back from the dead.

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