'The River' recap: Eyes Wide Shut Up

the-river-cast-abc.jpgA night under spooky haunted trees and a randomly murdered warthog leads to this week's insane trauma: The crew's judgment, blinding and stalking by a tribe of Amazonian caricature savages. "Only those who deserve to see the forest can see the forest," explains the ever-helpful Jahel, which in turn explains why this crew of ****s goes blind immediately.

If you were thinking Tess would go down first, you're not entirely wrong -- she's second -- but the story becomes much more interesting once everybody goes magically blind, and the whole crew gets split up by a sudden attack of tribesmen.

Emilio and Jahel are useless as usual, stuck with Tess in a bedroom filled with more windows and other means of entry than any other place in the whole ship. Mostly what they do is scream and ask irrelevant questions while remaining completely unharmed, so it's nothing newsworthy. And I mean -- except for the bumping into **** -- wandering around staring into space and saying the same foreboding phrases over and over isn't exactly a new look for Jahel Valenzuela.

Stuck with producer Clark -- who's been accidentally stabbed by Kurt, who wasn't even blind at the time -- Lincoln is somewhat comforted to know that the affair -- which Tess lets slip about five seconds into the video -- occurred only after Cole left on this last adventure: The Coles were technically split up, after Tess issued her ultimatum and Emmet refused to stay with her.

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